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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I am not a shoplifter I just go "beep!"

It started happening last week. A mysterious phenomenon in which I proceeded to go "beep" every time I passed through a security barrier. Supermarkets, Chemists, you name it, I went "beep".

I searched my mind for the cause of this sudden anomaly.

Well, I say searched...I actually spent a lot of time saying to suspicious checkout staff:

"It's okay! I went beep when I went in!"

Strangely, this has been quite sufficient as an explanation. Had I been an actual shoplifter this would have been quite a dastardly plan...

"I went beep when I went in! It's okay!" (with a bag stuffed full of...well...I'm not really sure what. Why would someone want to rob a supermarket? Unless you're really into groceries - perhaps extremely hungry?!?)

Another thing recently occurred to me - the security barriers don't seem to pick up on actual groceries. I know this beacuse I bought an item at one supermarket, then later in the day realised I needed something from another supermarket from the same chain (eg. Coles). I brought in that very bag with my item inside (with the receipt in the bag, of course!) - and nothing. The machine didn't go beep.

These machines are however brilliant at detecting people who have bought a C5 notebook and have forgotten to remove the packaging.

Yep, that's right - mystery solved. I forgot to take the plastic off my little notebook and it happened to contain something very similar to this:

I remember I went for an entire year going "beep" without realising that the nivea moisturiser in my bag had one of these silver microchip whatchamadoodles stuck to it.

It got me in quite a bit of bother when I tried to fly overseas. Luckily one of the security staff took pity on me. It was quite obvious that I was not armed and was quite clueless as to why I went "beep". I actually started to think that I may have swallowed something metal. Had I been a conspiracy theorist I would have thought aliens had given me an implant... or replaced my brain with liquid metal like that guy in Terminator 2...

Anyway, go figure. These supermarkets might want to recalibrate their machines.

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