The following scenario took place yesterday in the park, early in the evening. My Partner was practicing golf, I had finished my walk and we were seated at a picnic table. Soon we were joined by The Dad and The Daughter.

The Dad: Hi guys, what's happening?

My Partner: Just practising some golf..

Me: Making the most of daylight saving...

The Daughter runs out and circles our picnic table, stopping in front of me.

The Daughter: I'm NINETYSIX!!

Me: Wow, you don't have any wrinkles or anything. Are you sure you're not six?

The Daughter: He doesn't have any wrinkles (runs to The Dad and points)

Me (to My Partner): That's so cute.

The Dad: Hey is The Simpsons actually drawn or is it that computer animation thing?

The Daughter: Homer has three hairs!

Me: I think they have animation cells so they probably draw it. They've got that exhibition...

The Daughter (grabbing The Dad's shirtsleeve): HE's got no hair like Homer Simpson!

(Awkward pause)

The Dad: So did you see that movie "American Beauty" last night?

My Partner: We watched a bit of it.

The Dad: Me too. But I fell asleep just as Kevin Spacey is getting shot in the head...

Me: How can you fall asleep in that part?

The Daughter: But he's HAIRY!! Here, here, here and here (pointing to various body parts)

My Partner: We saw Ratatouille as well.

The Dad: Haven't seen that one.

Me: It made me want to cook something, probably Ratatouille.

The Dad: What's it about?

Me: It's about a rat who wants to be a chef.

My Partner: It's really good.

The Daughter: ...AND HE'S GOT MAN BOOBS!!!

(Stunned silence)

The Dad (ignoring The Daughter): I think I'll rent the DVD out.

The Daughter: BIG HAIRY MAN BOOBS!!!

My Partner: Why don't you try a couple of shots (hands The Dad a golf club)

The Daughter: My mum hasn't got man boobs, she ran out of milk so she can't breastfeed my brother!

(Oh My God)

The Dad: (Loudly) Here, let me have a go.

The Dad hits a couple of shots.

My Partner: Mate, you don't have man boobs...

Me: (stifling giggles)

The Daughter: Little kids get man boobs too.
...but not as big as DAD'S BIG MAN BOOBS!!

The Dad: Hang on a second, we've got to stop this. Where did you hear about man boobs?

The Daughter: (pointing) From you!

The Dad: Really?

The Daughter: (proudly) Yep.

The Dad: Aha.

technorati tags: general

I saw one of those travel documentaries on the weekend. It was one of those "foods of the world" specials. I love to cook (and eat!) so I thought this would be good.

How wrong one can be.

As you know, I am a vegetarian. It is not something I would want to shove down anybody's throat (if you pardon the pun!) but I will tell you one thing.

I would rather be force fed a baked potato (in small pieces of course!) than be forced to drink bat's blood or some of the other "things" they showcased on the show. These things masqueraded as food for a while. Up until the time when one of the presenters had to take a bite.

The most distasteful bit (apart from the food itself) was the insincerity of a particular US based backpacker presenting the show. When eating the food, she will almost always say "Mmmmm. This is soooooo gooood. Mmmmm."

While her face says "Anybody got some Listerine? Like a whole bottle? Germs I tells you. Germs!!!!" I'm sure when the camera is off she spits it out and runs for the nearest bathroom.

I can't even call these things food. I'll just list them. And if my stomach permits (it won't!), I will add photos.



** Bat's blood and bat soup.
The presenter spat the bat's blood out. I wonder why.
Is it just me or is drinking the blood of a vampire kind of symbolic? I tried to find out some more info on this dish but all I could find were Halloween recipes.

Yes, Ozzy Ozbourne was reported to have bitten or eaten a bat onstage. He had an excuse. He was on drugs.




















**Hedgehog. That's right. I can't remember which country. It was either the US or Canada. They went out. They "hunted" a hedgehog, ripped off all the spines, then cooked it. Amazingly, it tasted like sh!t.

This is probably why not many people eat hedgehogs. I don't know about you but when I look at that cute little fella in the picture, I don't automatically think "dinner".



**In Scandinavia, a traditional meal was served - a sheep's head on a plate. Yum yum. You have to eat the eyes, tongue and everything. Remind me not to travel to these places because I'm going to offend a lot of these people.

"You must have the eyeball. You are our honoured guest. We will be offended if you do not eat the eyeball."
"Thanks but no thanks. Got any lentil soup? No? I'll be off then. Nice meeting you."
"You must at least take the eyeball."
"Get f@cked you bunch of weirdos! I'm not going to eat your f@cking Hannibal Lecter food!!"
There endeth my exploits at diplomacy.



**Sheeps' uterus, and "Cock and balls". Pretty self explanatory. The presenter insisted they both tasted like calamari. I don't care if they taste like cheesecake with chocolate shavings, I've got a visual of where they came from. And what's been through them...



**Seal faeces and blubber.
I'm not joking but I hope somebody was. The guy actually tried it. I would have told that travel documentary company to shove it and started walking. These people sat on the kitchen floor in a kind of circle and passed around this concoction.
I mean what is the tradition here?

Did ancient people sit around and say "we've eaten all parts of the seal, now we must try the sh!t"



You know what I think? I think the peoples of the world got extremely bored and started daring each other to eat inedible things. Perhaps they kept doing it for so long that they started to take these hideous dishes a bit too seriously. After a while they couldn't remember exactly why they started eating this crap in the first place and then it became "tradition". Once it is tradition it is hard to break. Even if the tradition is sticking porcupine needles in your behind while dancing on a first-born donkey while gargling bat's blood and seal sh!t.

technorati tags: travel TV bad food

I can't think of anything to write and it's driving me mad. Does anybody else go through this while writing their blog? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGRGHGHHHHGHGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
THBLELBLBLBLBLBLB!!!

F@ckity! F@ck! F@ck! F@ck!


LABALALALALALALALALALAALLA

WOK TOSSED SALAD

FROG'S NEST ENTRAILS WITH LARK'S VOMIT

GOAT BAGGING MUSHROOM

WAKAKAKAKAKAKA

FRAG

SPLAT

technorati tags: blogging