This is the silliest Paypal spam I have ever received.

Nous avons rcemment dtermin que diffrents ordinateurs connect sur votre compte Paypal, Mot de passe et de multiples checs taient prsents avant la connexion. Nous avons maintenant besoin de vous confirmer nouveau Les informations de votre compte PayPal. Si ce n'est pas achev d'ici le 17 mars 2008, nous serons contraints de suspendre votre compte indefiniment, Car il peut avoir utilis d'une fins frauduleuses. Nous vous remercions de votre comprhention dans cette manire. Pour confirmer votre banque en ligne des dossiers, cliquez sur le lien suivant:


>>> Cliquez ici <<<
Merci pour votre patience. Paypal service la clientelle. S'il vous plait ne rpondez pas cet e-mail car c'est seulement une notification. Mail envoyer cette adresse ne peut pas tre rpondu. 1999-2008 PayPal. Tous droits rserves.


Firstly, why do they think I can understand French? I listened to two of the French Pod Classes and I can talk in a rudimentary way about the weather and what day it is. However no matter how little French I have actually learned, ain't no way I'm "Cliquezing icire" (sic).


A rough translation comes out like this:

We have dtermin rcemment that diffrents computers connect on your Paypal account, Password and multiples checs taient prsents before connection. We now need assure you new information of your PayPal account. If it is not achev from here March 17, 2008, we will be constrained to suspend your account indefiniment, Because it can have utilis of fraudulent ends. We thank you for your comprhention in this manire. To confirm your bank on line of the files, click on the following bond: Click here

It seems that French spammers spell just as badly as the English ones.

Also, I received this on the 9th of April 2008. Why give me a deadline of March 17? I mean, I'm not trying to help them here, I just thought a bit more work went into these messages.

Perhaps they need to work on their comprhention.

technorati tags: paypal spam email france

I saw one of those travel documentaries on the weekend. It was one of those "foods of the world" specials. I love to cook (and eat!) so I thought this would be good.

How wrong one can be.

As you know, I am a vegetarian. It is not something I would want to shove down anybody's throat (if you pardon the pun!) but I will tell you one thing.

I would rather be force fed a baked potato (in small pieces of course!) than be forced to drink bat's blood or some of the other "things" they showcased on the show. These things masqueraded as food for a while. Up until the time when one of the presenters had to take a bite.

The most distasteful bit (apart from the food itself) was the insincerity of a particular US based backpacker presenting the show. When eating the food, she will almost always say "Mmmmm. This is soooooo gooood. Mmmmm."

While her face says "Anybody got some Listerine? Like a whole bottle? Germs I tells you. Germs!!!!" I'm sure when the camera is off she spits it out and runs for the nearest bathroom.

I can't even call these things food. I'll just list them. And if my stomach permits (it won't!), I will add photos.



** Bat's blood and bat soup.
The presenter spat the bat's blood out. I wonder why.
Is it just me or is drinking the blood of a vampire kind of symbolic? I tried to find out some more info on this dish but all I could find were Halloween recipes.

Yes, Ozzy Ozbourne was reported to have bitten or eaten a bat onstage. He had an excuse. He was on drugs.




















**Hedgehog. That's right. I can't remember which country. It was either the US or Canada. They went out. They "hunted" a hedgehog, ripped off all the spines, then cooked it. Amazingly, it tasted like sh!t.

This is probably why not many people eat hedgehogs. I don't know about you but when I look at that cute little fella in the picture, I don't automatically think "dinner".



**In Scandinavia, a traditional meal was served - a sheep's head on a plate. Yum yum. You have to eat the eyes, tongue and everything. Remind me not to travel to these places because I'm going to offend a lot of these people.

"You must have the eyeball. You are our honoured guest. We will be offended if you do not eat the eyeball."
"Thanks but no thanks. Got any lentil soup? No? I'll be off then. Nice meeting you."
"You must at least take the eyeball."
"Get f@cked you bunch of weirdos! I'm not going to eat your f@cking Hannibal Lecter food!!"
There endeth my exploits at diplomacy.



**Sheeps' uterus, and "Cock and balls". Pretty self explanatory. The presenter insisted they both tasted like calamari. I don't care if they taste like cheesecake with chocolate shavings, I've got a visual of where they came from. And what's been through them...



**Seal faeces and blubber.
I'm not joking but I hope somebody was. The guy actually tried it. I would have told that travel documentary company to shove it and started walking. These people sat on the kitchen floor in a kind of circle and passed around this concoction.
I mean what is the tradition here?

Did ancient people sit around and say "we've eaten all parts of the seal, now we must try the sh!t"



You know what I think? I think the peoples of the world got extremely bored and started daring each other to eat inedible things. Perhaps they kept doing it for so long that they started to take these hideous dishes a bit too seriously. After a while they couldn't remember exactly why they started eating this crap in the first place and then it became "tradition". Once it is tradition it is hard to break. Even if the tradition is sticking porcupine needles in your behind while dancing on a first-born donkey while gargling bat's blood and seal sh!t.

technorati tags: travel TV bad food

WTF?!?!? I just stumbled on to a site about buttock augmentation.

Each week I spend at least an hour and a half, maybe more, often a lot less, on walking with hand weights.

And I find out that some people are paying money, that's right, thousands of dollars, to get a bigger butt.

Just eat more Sara Lee desserts!!

Stock up on choccies!

Throw away your Pilates equipment and books on yoga.

Switch to full fat lattes.

But, for the love of God, do not withdraw thousands of dollars from your savings account so you can have a larger ass.

Perhaps I could start a new craze.

I'll sell books, DVDs, and I'll even bring seminars to a town near you.

It will be called.

"The big butt diet"

People will go crazy. Ever since J-Lo came on the scene people have wanted bigger booties. Beyonce is another bum icon. Alicia Keys is getting there.

For only $49.95 I'll give you a DVD on how to avoid exercise (especially in the gluteal area!) and how to make friends with every deli owner in your neighbourhood.

I'll give you a special "butt expander pack" consisting of a large rubber band and a pointless lever. But I'll show J-Lo on the machine in the infomercial which will prove beyond a doubt that this thing really works.

And lastly, I'll hold personal development seminars so you can talk to your "inner butt" and find out why it hasn't been allowed to grow.

Just call 1880-BUTT-EXPANDER for further details
Cheques will not be honoured.

technorati tags: buttock augmentation plastic surgery J-Lo

Oh. My. God. This offends my sensibilities. It's quite horrible. The shonky awards expose dodgy workmanship, questionable ethics and sneaky fine print.

The award itself: a mounted lemon. It says it all, really.








Here are the winners of the Choice 2007 Shonky Awards (which was presented very amusingly by Jean Kittson):











Nutella. The unhealthiest health food.
Strangely Nutella has taken to marketing itself as a low GI food suitable for children.

"Less fat than most peanut butters, less sugar than most jams', said one Nutella ad. This may be the case, but out of all these spreads it has the highest combination of both: it’s almost 85% fat and sugar, packing a whopping 2175kJ of energy into every 100g." (source: Choice Website)

I remember as a child, my mum used to equate Nutella with Satan. I don't think you could even mention the word in the house. So phew! Missed out on all that fat and sugar as my cells were growing. Dang.













Another bizarro product is a washer/dryer from LG that claims to save water. And it does. On the wash cycle.

However, what they don't tell you is on the DRY cycle it uses 74LITRES (!!?!?!?) of water to dry 5kg of washing. As Jean Kittson put it so wonderfully "Who would use water to dry clothes? It's a dryer, not a wetter...I haven't even got a degree and I know that's weird."

Check out this video from the awards ceremony:

technorati tags: Shonky Awards Choice Magazine

This morning a fellow said "good morning" to me while I was downstairs gathering mugs for coffees. I was distracted for one second while opening the cupboard and whacked myself in the head. It still hurts and it happened one hour and twelve minutes ago. The corner of the cupboard got me right smack bang square in the temple. It was probably a sign I should not have gotten out of bed this morning.

I thought I was going to write something really profound today but I think my inspiration got socked out of me. So, with throbbing temple and mug of dandelion coffee, here are the latest spam emails to watch out for:

technorati tags: spam

Aaargh!!!

Watch out for this one. I clicked on it. It got me. Now I have probably given over my soul to the Evil God of Spam.

technorati tags: spam ebay powerseller

I wish I was joking, I really do.

The tofu arrived, it was named "deep fried five spicy tofu".

It looked nice enough, it tasted pretty good, but you know what? When I got to the last piece of tofu, SOMETHING was hanging from its edge.

I examined the something.

It was a hair.

Short.

Curly.

Coarse.


AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The images that ran through my mind. That are still running through my mind. There was of course only one way for it to get there.

Oh God, the humanity.


When I told the lady at the cash register, she rolled her eyes as if to say "not again" and thanked me profusely.


Hang on....you mean to say this isn't the first time?


I will never eat there again.

I should have asked for a refund.

And a mint.

technorati tags: tofu restaurant pubic hair

It seriously took me 2 hours to get through my emails this morning. Over 100. That doesn't even include my other email account with Hotmail. Argh!! I got so many of those "FROM THE DESK OF..." or "READ VERY CAREFULL." Drives me mad. Why oh why would anyone fall for that sort of thing anymore? Although there is always the one person who ends up on A Current Affair saying "I thought they were legitimate...I just can't believe they did that to me!!" It is horrible. Those people should be put in jail. Also, people shouldn't be allowed to be that naive. There should be some kind of worldwide education campaign to stop people being foolish with their money and personal details. I don't quite know how it would work, perhaps it should be included in school curriculum. "Internet Privacy and Scam Issues 101". Perhaps people like me have to do it as a public service announcement.

Anyway, here's the latest one to look out for. It is very sneaky. I knew it was a fake immediately because it was sent to an email address that has nothing to do with my PayPal stuff. But...for some people they will send it to the address that IS registered with PayPal and you really don't want to absent-mindedly click this one...


























The really sneaky bit is this part:

"Note:
If you haven't authorized this charge ,click the link below to dispute transaction
and get full refund"

That is so low. They make you think you have been charged for a transaction you didn't make (which of course, you didn't!) then they give you a chance to "dispute" the transaction. Bad bad people I hope they go to hell and are forced to spend lots of time with a bunch of fascist dictators that want a new person to "play" with.

By the way, if you get one with "CONTACT UPS FOR YOUR PARCEL", note the part that mentions the "...cash payment to avoid losting this funds..."

I think I'll take my chances on losting this funds.

Technorati Tags: spam email

I will now point out the wrongness of anyone even thinking about responding to the following email.

I received it today.

Twice.

That would probably be the first reason for becoming suspicious.

I will translate as we go...

FROM MR AMADI SALAM
ADB. OUAGADOUGOU,
AFRICA DEVELOPMENT BANK.
BURKINA FASO.
EMAIL: amadi_salam100@yahoo.fr

(A banker with a generic Yahoo France address?? Hmmm...prestigious...)

DEAR FRIEND, (isn't it nice to be called "friend" by a complete stranger who spams your inbox)

PLEASE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND VERY URGENT I HAVE AN URGENT TRANSACTION OF $8 MILLION USD TO TRANSFER
TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT,I AM MR AMADI SALAM

(In a search for Amadi Salam in Google, the first result found was "Email Scam, Fraud and Phishing Resource" Probably not a good start)

,I AM AN
AUDITOR,WITH ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT,ADB HERE IN
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA FASO IN WEST AFRICA.
AFTER GOING THROUGH SOME OLD FILES IN THE RECORDS,I
DISCOVERED THAT IF I DO NOT REMIT THIS MONEY OUT
URGENTLY IT WILL BE FORFEITED FOR NOTHING THE OWNER
OF THIS ACCOUNT UNFORTUNATELY DIED IN THE PLANE
CRASH OF UNION TRANSPORT AFRICAINS FLIGHT BOEING 727
IN COTONOU,BENIN REPUBLIC ON THE DECEMBER FRIDAY
26TH,2003.YOU WILL READ MORE STORIES ABOUT THE CRASH
ON VISITING THIS WEBSITE BELOW:

www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/

(Hey wow! This is a real story. If this guy links to a CNN article, he MUST be legit!!)

NO OTHER PERSON KNOWS ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT OR ANYTHING
CONCERNING IT,THE ACCOUNT HAS NO OTHER BENEFICIARY
AND MY INVESTIGATION PROVED TO ME AS WELL THAT HIS
COMPANY DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT
AND THE AMOUNT INVOLVED IS ($8 MILLION USD)
EIGHT MILLION UNITED STATES
DOLLARS.

(Well, that's not exactly true. Nobody knows about this account because you're not a real banker/auditor and you made up $8million fictional dollars. Conversely, EVERYBODY knows about it because you just did a mass email.)

I WANT TO TRANSFER THE ($8 MILLION) EIGHT
MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS
INTO A SAFE FOREIGNERS ACCOUNT ABROAD,BUT I DON'T
KNOW ANY FOREIGNER,I AM ONLY CONTACTING YOU AS A
FOREIGNER BECAUSE THIS MONEY CAN NOT BE APPROVEED TO
A LOCAL BANK HERE,BUT CAN ONLY APPROVED TO ANY
FOREIGN ACCOUNT BECAUSE THE MONEY IS IN US DOLLARS
AND THE FORMER OWNER OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER IS A
FOREIGNER TOO.

(Thank goodness the money can be APPROVEED here. I feel much more confident now.)

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A
SURPRISE AS WE DON'T KNOW OUR SELVES BEFORE,BUT THE
REST ASSURE THAT THIS IS LIFE TIME BUSINESS FOR BOTH
OF US EVEN FOR OUR GENERATION TO COME.

(Actually, I'm not surprised. I get these every day. What makes you so special? Oh, yes, that's right. "The rest assure that this is life time business for both of us even for our generation to come...")

WITH THE BELIEVE IN GOD THAT YOU WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN IN THIS BUSINESS.YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT I
HAVE CONTACTED IN THIS BUSINESS,SO PLEASE REPLY
URGENTLY SO THAT I WILL INFORM YOU THE NEXT STEP TO
TAKE URGENTLY,SEND ALSO YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND
FAX NUMBER.
I WANT US TO MEET FACE TO FACE OR SIGN A BINDING
AGRREEMENT TO BIND US TOGETHER SO THAT YOU CAN
RECEIVE THIS MONEY INTO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT OR ANY
ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE WHERE THE FUND WILL BE
SAFE.WHENT THE MONEY IS SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFER INTO
YOUR FOREIGN ACCOUNT,YOU WILL SEND ME AN INVITATION
LETTER SO THAT I WILL COME TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR
SHARING AND AFTER WITH MY OWN PERCENTAGE YOU WILL
HELP ME FOR INVESTMENTS IN YOUR COUNTRY.
I AM CONTACTING YOU BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO INVOLVE A
FOREIGNER WITH FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND TO STAND AS THE
BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.

(Blah, blah blah. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. And bad grammer. And really dodgy spelling.)

I NEED YOUR FULL CO-OPERATION TO MAKE THIS WORK
RESORT TO GOOD FOR US BECAUSE THE MANAGEMENT IS
READY TO APPROVE THIS PAYMENT TO ANY FOREIGNER WHO HAS THE CORRECT INFORMATION ABOUT THE DECEASED
CUSTOMER'S ACCOUNT,WHICH I WILL FEED YOU WITH,IF YOU
ARE ABLE AND WITH THE CAPABILITY TO HANDLE
TRANSACTION IN STRICT CONFIDENCE AND TRUST ACCORDING
TO MY INSRUCTIONS AND ADVICE FOR OUR MUTUAL BENEFIT
BECAUSE THIS OPPORTUNITY WILL NEVER COME AGAIN IN MY
LIFE.
I NEED TRUTHFUL (gullible!) PERSON IN THIS BUSINESS BECAUSE I
DON'T WANT TO MAKE MISTAKE (get caught),I NEED YOUR STRONG
ASSURANCE AND TRUST (not to inform the police). WITH MY POSITION NOW IN THE
OFFICE I CAN TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO ANY FOREIGN
RELIABLE ACCOUNT,WHICH YOU CAN PROVIDE WITH
ASSURANCE THAT THIS MONEY WILL BE INTACT PENDING MY
PHYSICAL ARRIVAL IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR (kidnap, robbery, fraud) SHARING AND YOU
WILL DIRECT ME ON WHAT KIND OF INVESTMENT I WILL DO
WITH MY OWN PERCENTAGE IN YOUR COUNTRY.
AND I WANT YOU TO REMIND YOU THAT YOUR SHARE HAS
BEEN CALCULATED TO 35% OF THE TOTAL SUM (...get out your calculator. See the dollar signs....) I AM WATING
FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY SO THAT I WILL GIVE YOU MORE
INFORMATION ABOUT THIS DEAL. PLEASE REPLY BACK THROUGH MY MAIL ADDRESS.THANKS.
EXTEND MY GREETINGS TO YOUR FAMILY AND HAVE A NICE
DAY.
WITH BEST REGARDS,
AMADI SALAM.

(shit. I left the caps lock on)

technorati tags: africa bank email scam phishing fraud

This post was inspired by the Amazon Women On The Moon segment "Bullshit Or Not?"

Become Invisible

This has everything. Check it out. Importantly, it states this is intended to be used for MORAL PURPOSES ONLY. WTF?

Helping the poor invisibly? Sneaking into people's houses and doing their dishes? I could go on...

Plus as a bonus, you get "The secrets of sexual seduction". Wow. Sexual seduction. As opposed to sporting seduction.

Here are some of the claims (read very loud, red exclamation points everywhere)

• The inexpensive aroma that makes women DESIRE you

• Gorilla tactics - seduction for your home and car

Sounds classy yes? Gorilla. Okay...either that's a sneaky play on words or I don't want to know. I just don't. Okay I've got a mental picture now. Thanks.

Plus as an added bonus you get "The Wizard's Book of Animal Secrets"

The claims?

• Bring dead creatures BACK TO LIFE!

Perhaps they are referring to the gorilla.

Plus invaluable tips on keeping a squirrel in your pocket. You never know when this might come in handy.

An invisible man... meets and seduces a woman... using the power of a pocket squirrel.

Everyone should buy this. Seriously. Only $24.95 (AUS $31.02)

Bullshit Or Not?

The answer is obvious, of course.

If not, would you like to buy my all new just-been-released invisibility / spy / make money online / be irresistible to women ebook? Only $59.95 - postage is free due to digital delivery. Contact me asap if you are interested. ;-)

P.S. The seller's feedback says it all. The first entry reads "I have blowed my money on dumber shit." I rest my case.

P.P.S. The most disturbing thing of all is that some of those who left feedback said it actually worked. ?!?!?!?!?!

Technorati Tags: Shopping bullshit ebay scam invisibility seduce women ebook

This morning I encountered the first sign of blossoms beginning to peer out from the frostiest winter I can remember. In fact, winter can f___ off. Now is the time to count down the days until spring arrives to thaw us all out.

On my journey this morning I thought I had discovered some mystical crop circles in a field. It turned out to be the work of an ordinary hoon doing creative burnouts on grass.

For some reason this brings me to the whole "Kevin Rudd was caught going into a strip club" furore.

1. Who cares?
2. Who cares?
3. Refer to points 1. and 2.

I mean really, are we that repressed that we can't accept politicians being human? I myself have been too drunk to remember being dragged into a strip club by nefarious friends. And I'm a girl. What amazes me is that people are discussing it on radio, on TV, the newspapers scream "Kevin and the Strippers" etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Does nobody remember Malcolm Fraser with his trousers off?

What amuses me is that Alexander Downer may be behind the convenient leak.

What's even more amusing is that if Alexander Downer were with the party at the strip club, he would be more likely to be dancing in a g-string on the podium.

And what's with the wowser mentality in Australia? I'm not saying everyone should go out and get pissed every night but being very drunk on a few occasions in one's life is hardly cause for concern. If parliamentarians were drinking raucously every night and Kevin Rudd turned up drunk to parliament question time, that would be another thing.

And for goodness sake, have we forgotten already? In 1955 Bob Hawke held the beer drinking record 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. Don't try this at home kids.














Can we get back to the real news now?

Technorati Tags: Kevin Rudd Strippers Beer Bob Hawke Crop Circles

Wow! Again. The power of email. In the past 5 weeks or so, I have won the Swedish lottery, the Euro lottery, and various other lotteries. Now this one! Geez, I'm going to have to retire. All I gotta do is give them my name/ address/ age/ bank account details/ tax file number and they will steal my identity verify my details and forward my winnings!

I'm a bit concerned about giving my "Marita Status", though.

Technorati Tags: Lottery Scam Spam Email

...TOP STORIES...

...John Howard has an "Education Revelation" - if he doesn't make some promises now, he's toast...

...Malcolm Turnbull is afraid of pirates...

...The Flying Kangaroo sells soul...nobody buys it...

..."Work Choices" has been renamed "Work No Choices" to avoid confusion...

...And this just in,

...Aussie blogger struggles to fit into jeans after an extra-hot tumble drying incident...

Technorati Tags: Australia news current events qantas John Howard IRLaws work choices Malcolm Turnbull

Okay, I know I've done a lot of rants lately but here's another one. I have been enjoying my time reacquainting myself with Ebay, but this particular thing sticks in my craw. (What the hell is a craw anyway?)

I hate it when you buy something from an Ebay seller and they have the logo that says "Bank Deposit Express", then when you have bought something from this person, and can't get out of it (because that would be a backsliding scumbag thing to do!)...

...and you click on the "Bank Deposit Express" logo and it proudly displays:

"BANK OF ABU DHABI" or some similarly obscure bank. I mean, what the hell is wrong with the Commonwealth, ANZ or National Australia Bank? Why does it have to be "CHICKEN FEEDERS CREDIT UNION" or "WEST AUSTRALIAN DRAGONSLAYERS CONFERENCE MEMBERS BANK"

...so then you spend ages trying to look up branches of these bizarre banks and find out that the closest one will take you a 2 hour drive to get there. What is the point I ask you?

So. Unfortunately you can't tell which bank the seller belongs to until after the purchase, I will definitely remember the sellers who bank with the "CANBERRA STILT WALKERS BANK" and similar crimes against humanity for next time.

Technorati Tags:
banks, ebay, rant

You may remember my post on Couriers Please No Thank You!!!
Well, here's some background information. I received a computer last year from EYO Technologies in Sydney. It arrived broken. Busted. Kaput.
So I sent it back, expecting a new one, since I had paid for a new computer.

Nope!!

I got back a "repaired" version of the beat-up thing I received in the first place.
I tried for months to get the sound card to work (it was after all, a computer bought for the purpose of recording music) to no avail.
I finally sent it back after realising I could never get the sound card to work. It wasn't a software problem and just because I couldn't get it to work it didn't mean I was a failure as a computer nerd!! I am only starting to recover now.
When I received it back again this week, the sound card "sort of" worked intermittently. But now the DVD drive had disappeared off the "My Computer" icon and the DVD would not open. Neither would the CD drive, which had never worked and now I find out, was supposed to work as well.

Wow.

So guess what? I'm sending it back again. I do not hold out much hope as EYO insist on sending things with Star Track Express with NO "This End Up" or "Fragile" stickers. Nothing. And they wonder why it arrived to me in a mess. Twice. Now that they want to fix it and send it back. That's great but I'm starting to lose hope at this point. The DVD drive doesn't work because I was told "somebody forgot to connect the power cable"?!?!?!? And the explanation for the sound card not working was that they forgot to disable the onboard sound card when they put in the Audigy 4 I ordered. I have offered to give EYO Technologies a roll of fragile tape so they can put it on my computer when sending it back. If they remember...

I ask you. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I alone here?

All I ask is that people send happy thoughts for the computer to arrive back to me fixed and in one piece. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes for this one.

Technorati Tags:
EYO technologies, computer, star track express, fragile, this end up

Your Vocabulary Score: A+

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

I found this quiz through Skeet's Stuff - I have also discovered after completing another one of these quizzes that I am 90% Average American. Being an Australian, I think that's quite an achievement!

Coming from Melbourne, I've often thought I would fit in quite well in a place like Seattle. I went there in 1992
(GRUNGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
and it reminded me of Melbourne. A lot.

Although I got asked the weirdest questions when I went to school in Olympia (pun intended, thank you Courtney Love!) I was on a kind of school exchange program where I found the knowledge of Australia was minimal, if not bizarre. It was no culture shock for me to go to Olympia, I went from a fairly large city (by Australian standards!) to a smaller town with lots of barns, churches and basketball games. I was met at the airport by my host family - the Dad was wearing a Driza Bone (circa "Man From Snowy River") and an Akubra (I'm pretty sure Paul Hogan wore one in Crocodile Dundee) I knew from this point on that things were going to be weird. I went to give a talk the school (argh!!) This is something I did not enjoy. I was more interested in listening to Nevermind on my walkman. I managed to sync up the chorus of "Something in the Way" to the taking off and landing of my plane journeys to great effect. Anyway, I was dragged unenthusiastically into this group. There was a Q&A session with me (feeling like a zoo exhibit) so everyone could find out more about where I was from. Here are the highlights for your enjoyment (and my horror)...

Question 1: Are your maps upside down?
Err........no. That would make us....INSANE!!!

Question 2: Do you have electricity?
Uh....here is a picture of my town - Melbourne, Australia to dispel these strange myths:



Question 3: Do you have kangaroos in your yard?
?!?!?!??!?!? See picture above.

Question 4: (this killed me!!)
What is your favourite band?

I answered "Nirvana" (I was of course in Olympia, then Seattle - a grunge pilgrimage, if you like...)



The Reply: Are they an Australian band?

Oh My God.

I feel weak.

I need to lie down.

One would think that whiz-bang, new-fangled technology just works, right?

WRONG!!!

I was amazed at the results of trialling this shaver (not on myself, of course........I am a girl, and not a particularly hairy one at that)

Braun Smart Control (RRP$113)



From the advertising, they would have you believe the shaver increases muscle size, makes girls want to fawn all over you and it can even make you taller!!! You also get the impression that you will simply use the shaver and then TA DA! 30 seconds later you will look like this:


.....instead you wind up using the thing for about 20 minutes,
going over the same $#@&ck%#ing patch again and again....cursing and muttering...trying to work out how to coax those stubborn hairs into the weird foil thing..... but they seem somehow afraid.....

finally after what seems like a good half hours effort, you end up with this result:

It's the "half-shaven 3 day growth look", apparently it's very in vogue at the moment. Then you read the instructions for the 50th time and realise that not only are you half-hairy, you now have to clean the thing!!!

Step 1 - remove foil thing, turn coil thingys around.
Step 2 - use brush thing to get the hairs out (they are just as stubborn coming out as they were going in!)
Step 3 - run under water?
Step 4 - spray with ridiculously overpriced cleaning stuff ($15 per can!!!!)
Step 5 - dry, put back in package and sell on ebay!!

Here's to the most expensive paperweight I've ever bought (see Universal Remote Control post)

Tech Tags: drawings hairy shaver braun stubble 5 o'clock shadow paperweight ebay

Firstly, I want to pause for a second to reflect on the exorbitant cost of universal remote controls.

Okay.

Now, here is the One For All Universal Remote Control I bought for $59.95 (!?!?!?!?!?)



Note that the catchphrase of this remote is "keeping it simple..."

At the time I found that statement reassuring.

And they are simple.

If you categorise simple as straining your eyes for 30 minutes trying to read the multitude of codes listed for your brand of television. And trying to keep the murder out of your voice when you say "Nope. Must be the next one."

If you have a Teac TV, for example, and you don't have an owners manual - you are pretty much stuffed.

Oh, the simplicity of leafing through what looks like 500 4-digit codes, diligently programming each one in, clutching to the vain hope that THIS one might be "the one"....

And finally, the magic code clicked into place. But instead solving a rubix cube, I ended up opening the box from "Hellraiser".



You see, if in a moment of distraction, you don't press the button marked "TV", you can make the video recorder go crazy.

I remember looking up to see something like "ARGH19273" flashing in the display panel.

So then you finally get it back on "TV" and the mute button doesn't work.

The most important button on a TV remote control is the mute button, so you can block out the ads. Now I was at the mercy of advertisers.

"How do I know if my health insurance is right for me?"
"Incontinence is a problem that is often hidden..."
"Kids love the goodness of sugar cream fizz puff breakfast cereal..."

ARGHGH!!

But this is all easily fixed of course.

All you have to do is find some toll-free number (I think it is in the manual
but it could be on the packet?!?!), call them up and tell them the code that you used
(er...I can't remember!) to activate the control and they will tell you the code for the
mute button.

So now I have a $59.95 TV ornament. Or a paperweight.

The solution is simple.

Don't lose / break / let your dog eat your remote. Then you won't need to buy one of these contraptions.

Has this ever happened to you?



You put the pan on the stove and then it's all so confusing. When do you put the food in?
How hot does it have to be?

Apparently Jamie Oliver has solved all our problems.

It's called the "T-Fal Thermo Spot"

It's quite amazing. There's this dot, see? And then the dot changes colour when it's time
to put in the dull grey Atlantic salmon that has been fed red or orange dye in the last week of its miserable life swimming in its own filth.

But I digress.

Ok, the game's up. It's not a good invention.

It's designed to dumb down the general population SOOOOOOO much that we need some
stupid dot to tell us when a pan is hot.

A pan is hot when it's hot.

If you don't know that, then you shouldn't be cooking in the first place.

I previously had some crappy aluminium pots and they were irritating - burning, smoking,
and generally being a nuisance.

That all changed when I found a Baccarat 8Lt dutch oven.



RRP approx $80 - $100

They are solid as anything and made from stainless steel and a very thick copper base. The heat conducts so brilliantly that you can cook a large volume of food without stirring every 2 seconds. It doesn't tend to burn on and it holds its heat so well that you can turn the heat off and leave the pot on the stove and the next morning the pot will still be warm.

Because the pot is so large you can cook a huge amount and freeze for nights when you can't be bothered cooking.

Brilliant!!

Technorati Tags: drawings baccarat cookware dutch+oven pots pans Jamie+Oliver t-fal thermo+spot

*Yawn*

You'd think they'd get tired of doing this but I suppose as long as people keep responding, these scumbags will keep sending them.

This arrived in my inbox this morning and is the latest one to look out for:



Can you believe this one? "Please add our address-shown in the "From" line above-to your electronic address book to make sure that important account messages don't get blocked by a SPAM filter."

Er...it gets blocked by the spam filter because...it is SPAM!!!

Good grief.

Think about it in terms of vampires. You add them to your address book, you are inviting them
in and you will be needing a lot of iron tablets.

Here are the telltale signs:

The email address is support@paypal-25.com which is a tad suspicious.

The email came through on the email address that is NOT registered with PayPal. That's a dead
giveaway.

If you are ever unsure about the origin of an email, close it. Go into another window and login to www.paypal.com and check your account.

Whatever you do, please don't click on any links in the email. That is what they want you to do.

And you don't want to make a spammer happy.

I am so tired of spammers trying to unnerve people by saying "your account has received
unauthorised access....blah blah blah" they feed on fear, insecurity and ignorance.

As I said in a previous post, they are all going to hell. And I hope they get LOTS of spam,
telemarketers and junk mail when they get there.

Technorati Tags: paypal spam fake+email junk+mail scam