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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

It is seriously time for me to get a haircut.

It's true, there are YouTube videos on how to get my exact hairstyle that I wake up with in the morning, which makes me laugh.  But I am what I am.  A tangled, messy, messy longhaired messy haired person.

When it is time for me to finally be bothered to visit the hairdresser's, it is usually because of oh-so-subtle messages from the universe.

Like this afternoon, when I shut my hair in the car door and leaned forward to grab a CD from the CD player...

Orrrr.. the oh so subtle moment when I went to flick my hair over my jacket (Zara of course, Dahlinks!) and my fingers got caught in my hair and then I nearly scalped myself.

Or the other night, while peacefully slumbering (well, I was snoring like a herd of banshees so I assume I was peaceful.  I can't attest to anyone else's experience)...  Anyway, I was slumbering (which as a word kind of sounds like some kind of hippo, or is that just me?)...


I turned over to tuck my arm underneath my pillow and behind my head, as I always do.  Unfortunately I had grabbed a huge fistful of hair and somehow the turning motion allowed the hair to twist around my neck like a noose that got tighter as I moved my head.

I woke up pretty quickly after that one.

Sooo, it's time for me to get a haircut.  Whee.  I can hardly wait.  I'm pretty much a little kid when it comes to haircuts.  I can't be bothered.  Yes, they wash your hair for like, 2 hours and give you some weird spiritual head massage.  That part is ok, if not time consuming.  But who actually washes their hair for that long?  Nobody!  Unless they have 24 hour hot water and a very patient family.

When, and if, and that is a big if, I wash my hair it usually goes like this:

Wet hair.

Try to squeeze the prescribed 10c piece size amount into the palm of my hand.

End up squeezing enough to fit on one of those huge stone monolith coins that those ancient dudes used to roll around.

Wash the rest of the shampoo down the drain, leaving a small, 50 dollar note sized splat.

Attempt to wash hair with a quasi "squishing" motion.  Realise that I am not a hairdresser, and that the squishing is doing very little.  Rinse hair in frustration.

Condition hair.  Do you condition the ends or the top as well?  I never know.  I end up doing the ends and then saying "stuff it" and putting the rest on the top of my head.  Rinse.

Wait 1 day for hair to look normal again.  Wonder why I bothered.  Ponder life's questions that deserve far more time than hair maintenance.

But I digress.  Again.  So, once the hairdresser has washed, conditioned, detangled and super smoothed your hair, then they spend the first hour intricately cutting individual hairs from... somewhere.  I'm not sure where.  All I know is when I get up from the chair it looks like the Abominable Snowman has come in for a full body shave.

So, 3 hours or so later, my hair is trimmed about 2 inches.  I really don't understand why it takes such a long time, or where all that hair comes from.

I will relent, of course, and get my hair cut.  I have 3 requests that I tell the hairdresser every time.

1.  Just a trim
2.  Bit of layering, not too much
3.  No fringe

For my US readers, a fringe is a bang.  And a bang is a fringe.  And that girl in the "Fringe" TV show has bangs.  Glad to have cleared that up.

Every time I go to the hairdresser, they suggest something wacky.

How about a fringe?
No, I tried that once when I was 12.  As a kid I knew fringes looked stupid, at least on me.  End of story.

How about some highlights?
No, it takes another 6 hours and comes out looking no different to when I started.  Except somehow $275 is missing somewhere...

How about a short, asymmetrical bob cut?
No, I am a longhair breed.

Also, has anyone else noticed that hairdressers display a variety of posters and magazines showcasing asymmetrical bob cuts, but nobody in the real world actually has one, at least for any extended period of time?

Ha, I think I have cracked one of the great mysteries of the universe.

"There is no asymmetrical bob cut."

Think about it.

So while I'm on this seemingly focused rant, let me expand to stuff I hate:

1.  Fringes and bangs  (I'm sorry if you have one, I just don't like them.  I can't change that.  It's something in my DNA or something)

2.  "Anti-Feminists"  Yes, I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry.

Unless of course, you are an idiot who likes being exploited and oppressed and doesn't want to seem too threatening to men who don't like feminists.  Tell you the truth, I don't really want to appeal to a man who doesn't like feminists, them health care-giving socialists and them gun-stealing, cow spooking scientists.

But you go ahead Katy Perry, AIM HIGH.

Let's just get a definition for those of you who don't know what a feminist is:

"Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women." (Wikipedia / Merriam-Webster Dictionary 2011)

Oooo.  Threatening.

3.  Anti-Feminists with bangs OR meat suits
Self explanatory

4.  The creepy Marc Jacobs 'Oh Lola' (Lolita) ad.  Oh lovely.  Let's celebrate creepy dudes who prey on pre-pubescent girls. Yay, us.  Yay 2013.

5.  That bottle of cognac that costs $1million dollars.  NOTHING is worth that.  You drink it, it's gone.  This isn't for drinking, people, this is for some serious poncing.  If you really want to impress somebody that much, you probably suck anyway so don't worry about it.  Buy yourself a nice house or something, or give it away to a person who is awesome.

5.  Tony Abbott
No photograph as I don't want to give anyone nightmares.

Apart from that, I love everyone and everything in the entire world.  Peace and mungbeans.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Avast ye landlubbers, get below deck or I'll keelhaul ye!


Avast ye!!


Keel.. haul...

Ok, that's about the extent of my pirate vocabulary.  For some reason my pirate impression is a little off.

However, for some unknown reason, if I try to imitate a Scottish accent, it turns out pirate.  Although sometimes I sound like a Scottish pirate with a slight Jamaican accent.  I'm pretty sure that combination isn't a common one, but it's the only one I can do!!


In honour of "International Talk Like A Pirate Day":

The Pirate Ergonomic Keyboard

The pirate vocabulary is large and versatile.  Diverse, eloquent, meaningful.  Here is a short rundown:

LJP's Pirate/English Dictionary 

Arrrr:  Greetings, fellow pirate.

Ar:  Where is my parrot?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:  I am lonely at sea.

 Arr...?  I find you very attractive.

Arraraarar:  I am mad at you but I can't decide whether to keelhaul you or walk the plank.  This is a tough decision that I do not take lightly.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:   Stand by to board incoming vessel.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrragaaaaa:  Scuttle the ship me hearties!


Pirate Memo Clip Note Holder

Hear ye, avast ye, and forget ye not, here is the best way for modern pirates to communicate with other pirates.  Plan raids, count your plunder and compare eye patches with this modern method of communication:  Sticky Paper!!  Arrrr.

Pirate Fancy Dress Costume

Remember, less is more.  Or is it more is more?  Maybe more parrots is more.  Less eyeliner perhaps, we've overdone the Captain Jack Sparrow thing.

It's well known that pirates didn't wear eyeliner, they wore blusher made from the blood of their conquests.  Or something...

Just remember, beardy, patchy and cutlassy and blunderbuss-y.

Also remember there is a veeeery fine line between seaworthy cred pirate dude and Adam Ant in the Higwayman film clip.  It's a fine line and I suppose it really depends what sort of party you're going to...  It's up to you...

Pirate Drinks Cooler

This is a contentious one because ice was in short supply on the high seas unless of course you managed to hit an iceberg.  And drinks that required cooling of any kind were a little impractical since the lower decks contained chained men, sheep's dung, one mouldy orange, a barrell of rotgut and a door that you never, I repeat, never opened.

I'm pretty sure pirates drank some kind of 175% proof Black Skull Label Rum that makes your eyes water and gives you the ability to see the past and future simultaneously while completely skipping the present.  It also assists you in understanding what your parrot is really saying to you.

And finally...

Pirate iPhone Case

Because pirates like, had so many like iPhones...  'cause GPS and stuff.  Like how would they have gotten around?  GPS app like I don't know, it was a really old one, like from the 80s?   Yeah, 'cause if they didn't have computers how did they steal series 5 of Breaking Bad?  Duh.. ... I swear... so dumb...