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Monday, December 06, 2010

Housework can be a pain so I have decided that I need the best possible equipment for each task.  This means that I will not be settling for second best when it comes to hand held vacuum cleaners.

I don't want any ol' fluffy "Tiffany Handy Vac"

I don't want a no-suction, small nozzled, airy fairy piece o' junk.

No, I want the no-messing about, 750 watt super suction bad mother.

The "Piranha"

You don't mess around with a name like Piranha, you know it's going to do the job.

Whatever it takes. 

It is the Clint Eastwood of hand held vacuum cleaners.


"Go Ahead.  Eat My Dust."

(clench teeth)

"Do you feel lucky?  Well do ya?  LINT????!?!?"






Thursday, December 02, 2010

At the gym that I regularly frequent, I was presented with a dilemma.  It was a question of etiquette and considering I never went to finishing school OR carried a book on my head, I don't know the answer.  It goes something like this:

I entered the change rooms, ready to get into my running shoes and trackky gear.  This process usually takes me all of about 3 minutes.  The girl at the desk gave me my locker key - number 6.

When I rounded the corner, I was confronted by a woman.  She was completely stark bollock naked with her arms outstretched, and for some reason, her legs outstretched as well, facing the lockers.

Not only that, but she was spread-eagled in front of a particular locker.

Number 6.

My locker.

I knew she had heard me coming in, a slight tilt of her head acknowledged my presence in her vicinity.

So I hung back, not wanting to approach at this stage. 

I have this pedantic thing about not talking to completely naked strangers.

So I thought "well, maybe she just took off her bathing suit.  I suppose she'll dry off, get dressed and THEN I can ask her to move." 

Wrong!

She stayed where she was.  Swaying slightly, not using a towel and still standing like Leonardo's Vitruvian man.

"Oh crap."  I thought.  "Maybe she's air drying?"

She stayed for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably more like 7.

Not moving.

Being  naked. 

Not using a towel.

Swaying.

"Maybe she's like that serial killer guy from Silence of the Lambs.  I'm definitely not talking to her until she is at least covered up in a towel or something.

She still didn't move.

"Maybe the Blair Witch is coming and she's been told to stand facing the wall.  Maybe I'm next!!  Aaargh!!"

This line of thought wasn't helping me.

I had meanwhile changed into my gear, sat down on the bench.  Waiting patiently, trying not to look directly at the rather frightening display in front of me. 

Then, something bizarre happened.  Another woman and a kid came in and started talking to Vitruvian naked scary woman.  And she miraculously grew clothes within a minimal space of time.

I chose my moment.

"Excuse me, could I get into number 6 please?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!"  she said, like it had been her intention all along.  She FINALLY capitulated and moved herself away.
 
As she disappeared (thankfully fully clothed) through the door with the other woman and the kid, I noticed something else. She wasn't even using a locker.  She could have gone anywhere.  It's a big place.

So I conclude with my not-so-subtle-plea/order/requirement/mandatory idea:

DEAR-NAKED-AIR-DRYING-SWAYING-WEIRDO-PEOPLE-HAVE-YOU-EVER-A-HEARD-OF-A-TOWEL!?!?!?!?









Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I have been scouring the world of stupid t-shirts looking for the most idiotic, disturbing and whacked out t-shirts of them all.  This is no mean feat.  What constitutes a stupid t-shirt?  There is a fine line between humour and overshare, witty and obvious.  And of course, some t-shirts are just out and out wrong.

You be the judge:
(Warning, slightly non-kid friendly themes... and in no particular order)















1.  "It's My Network"

If you need this t-shirt to advertise that you are surrounded by scantily clad women then you probably aren't.  My advice to those considering buying a t-shirt such as this, firstly think "would James Bond wear this?"  If the answer is no, move along...



















2.  "Ex Masturbator"

For the love of decency, people!  Why are you guys smiling?  Is this a joke?  Please, please take these t-shirts off... the market.
OVERSHARE MUCH!!!!!




3.  "If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off"

Obviously, this is the back of the t-shirt.  Clearly designed for motorbike riders.

I'm afraid that my sides have split from the witty subtlety of it all.  Can you spell lawsuit?


















4.  "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right"

All kinds of creepy.  Please don't wear it around Star Wars fans like me.  The fact that it happened once in the film was disturbing enough.
DUDE-SHE-IS-YOUR-SISTER!!!!  Argh!!



















5.  "I Bought This T-Shirt To Cover Up My Muffin Top"
Um...  OVERSHARE!!!!


















 6.   "Mormons etc. Are All Wrong!!"

It's a free country I suppose. But just because you can wear this t-shirt doesn't mean you actually should.  P.S. If you must wear it, make sure you avoid churches, mosques and remote temples on top of mountains, supermarkets, pubs, trains, planes and automobiles.



















7.  "Stop Looking At My Chest!"

Fine, I will stop looking at your chest, as soon as I stop reading the big writing on your t-shirt that just happens to be located in your chestel region.




















8.  "Don't Bother, I'm Not Drunk Yet."
If you read into the subtext of this, it speaks volumes.





















9.  Jihad
Do not wear to airports.  Or anywhere with jumpy security.  You might find they haven't got a sense of humour.

















10.  Justin Bieber t-shirt






 


Monday, November 29, 2010

What is Latency?

When you record directly from a microphone or instrument, the audio signal is sent to your computer, converted into a digital signal and then back into analog and sent to your speakers. This is the process responsible for causing the frustrating "lag" or latency effect, where your tracks are recorded "late". When you play back your tracks, your latest recorded track will be out of sync with the first one. If you have experienced this problem, you will be familiar with this effect and you are probably tearing your hair out daily.

Thankfully there are a number of ways to fix latency in Windows Vista.  You can try all of these or just a few to try to fix your latency problem:


1.  Upgrade your RAM


The faster your computer, the less likelihood of latency being a problem.  As the saying goes, "you can never be too rich or too thin".  Or have too much RAM.  Get a memory upgrade to at least 4GB if you can and ideally see if you can upgrade to the maximum your slots can take.  If you are unsure, speak to your nearest tech head or check forums and manufacturers pages.



2.  Download ASIO4ALL

ASIO4ALL is the universal ASIO driver for Win 98SE/ME/2k/XP/MCE/2003/XP64 and Vista/Windows 7 x86/x64.  For some, a quick download of this free program is all you will need to fix latency issues.  You may need to tweak the buffer and latency sliders until you reach an acceptable level of latency. 



4.  Upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7.


Unfortunately for many users, Windows Vista is S-L-O-W, notorious for maximizing latency and is known as a problematic operating system for multitrack recording.  I'm going to come right out and say it, it is definitely worth the investment upgrading now rather than tweaking away with Vista until you are blue in the face.  Windows 7 can help your machine work quicker and easier.  The minute I upgraded my laptop from Windows Vista to Windows 7, I instantly noticed the difference in speed.



5.  Get an Audio Interface

How does an audio interface improve latency?  An audio interface will replace your sound card for the time it is on and plugged into your machine.  With direct monitoring, your interface will bypass the latency loop so you hear your sounds in real time.

When I bought my M-Audio Fast Track, I found that it simplified recording into a "plug and play" experience, removed latency and on top of all that, made the recording software fun to use.  You can plug a microphone straight in to the XLR jack and guitar leads (or mic leads) plug straight in to the 1/4 in jacks.  Once you are plugged in, you just start recording.

The M-Audio Fast Track uses a "Direct Monitoring" (zero latency) button, allowing the user to hear the recorded tracks while hearing the track as you record.  For this stage you need to make sure that you have done these two things (important):

* Plug in speakers for monitoring your recordings
* Use headphones to monitor your sound while you are recording

If you have followed these steps, your direct monitoring should work fine.

Minimum System Requirements (PC)

Windows XP (SP3)* or Windows Vista 32/64 or WIN 7

Pentium 4 2.0GHz

1GB RAM

one native USB port

* Home and Professional Edition only. Windows Media Center Edition is not supported.



Minimum System Requirements (Mac)

OS X 10.4.11 Or better

G4 processor**

1GB RAM

one native USB port

** G4 accelerator cards not supported.


Features

- Includes Pro Tools M-Powered Essential software

- Works with most popular recording software--including Pro Tools M-Powered 8*

- 1/4 in. instrument input: Record guitar, bass and keyboards

- Phantom powered XLR mic input: Use dynamic and studio-grade condenser microphones

Stereo RCA outputs: Easily connects to your stereo system or powered monitors


You will need the updated drivers to install the Fast Track on Windows 7.  M-Audio has now released compatible drivers for Windows 7 in 32 bit and 64 bit:


Installation

*  Download M-Audio driver (if you don't know if your system is 32 bit or 64 bit, click the "Start" button (bottom left corner), right click on "computer" and select "properties", "system".  Windows 7 will tell you what version you are running.

*  Install the driver exe file by double clicking, wait until Windows 7 notifies you that installation has been and the M-Audio icon shows up in your taskbar:


*  Plug in your M-Audio Fast Track.

*  Plug in your microphone or instrument jack and start recording!



There are more expensive audio interfaces on the market, it just depends on your needs as to which one to buy.  In my case, I needed something simple and this interface fitted the bill perfectly.  By all means, if you have the funds and the inclination, go for a more expensive model.

Other audio devices worth considering:







 



Important note: what works for some people may not work for you.  Do your research and get independent advice.  All systems are different and results may vary from one setup to another.  There will always be a possibility that an audio interface will not work so understand the risks when taking any advice.




Thursday, November 11, 2010

This is the perfect solution to the diet question:

What treats can I have?

Well, I have come up with yet another diet (I should be launching these as books!) for those watching their weight.

It's called the "Inedible" Diet

1.  The treats look delicious
2.  The magic of imagery tricks you into thinking you have eaten cakes and pastries
3.  They serve an ornamental function as jewellery

**Note:  mind you don't try and eat these, they are made from polymer clay!



Mini diet piece #1:  Carrot Cake Charm

Mmm.  Yum yum!  No need to worry about portion sizes!




Mini diet piece #2:  Mini Christmas Cookies


Don't mind if I do, I suppose another one won't hurt...



Mini diet piece #3:   Cupcake Charm


Do I wear them?  Or eat them?  Heck with it, I'll just look at them!




And of course, what banquet would be complete without....



Mini diet piece #4:  Mini Gefilte Fish



Alright!  Gimme the fish already!!