I don't know...

Is Twitter good for your blog? I have gained 300 Twitter followers in the last 2 or 3 days - I wonder what that actually means in real terms? What does anything mean anymore? I get around 250-300 emails a day. By the time I've finished deleting and actioning them, I don't have time to post anything!!

And does this make me any money? Well, yes. But that's not the point. I don't have TIME anymore. And that is the thing that is most precious. Especially to a blogger like myself.

I have become a little disillusioned with the whole Twitter/Digg/whatever culture of late. I can't say that I've learned much from other Twitterers so far. However I know this is a growing thing. The news and current affairs programs keep plugging their Twitter pages so perhaps somebody knows something...

Forgive me if I can't see where this is all going as yet. I don't want to be the person who laughed at the formative ideas of the first aeroplane or computer either. It's just that I get a lot of "make money quick I'll show you how." direct messages in Twitter and I'm getting a little tired of them. The most interesting conversation (yes, as in an actual back-and-forth conversation) is completely unprintable. It involved spontaneous outbursts of rude words. I suppose it's kind of equivalent to writing on the toilet door, except it's a bit quicker.

I could possibly hit 1000 Twitter followers by the weekend. But what does that mean? Have I achieved something? What can I do now that I couldn't do last week?

Sometimes I feel like primordial ooze in a council meeting of intelligent alien life forms.

Alien #1: You just whack the doohicky, splat the cosnarp and bang! You're in and you can snark!

Alien #2: That's so easy, I thought you had to grapsact the fookart first.

Alien #3: No dummy, that was in version 2.0 - we've fixed that now.

Primordial Ooze: Shclllurrrp!!!!



Yep, that's my understanding of quite a few things that are happening on the internet at the moment. And I grew up programming computers!!

Sometimes I just want to yell "Just spell it out in plain English!!! I'm sure I can target keywords within a single bound, break the light barrier and create niche markets. I just don't know why the f@%k I'm doing this when I could be sitting out in the sun reading a book!!!

Slowly I will get to understand the technobabble and when I get a spare ten seconds I will actually watch the hundreds of videos and PDFs I have downloaded "to watch later".

But I've realised something...

There is no later!!!!

Decide what you want to do and forget the rest. Life is too short.

technorati tags: Twitter followers niche market keywords

During my nocturnal weekend adventures I fell victim to the late night monster. No, I'm not talking about Freddy Krueger, I'm talking about...

Infomercials.

The infomercial monster is a strange entity. It only comes out at night. It gets you when you're in or around the theta state, when your brain waves are susceptible to suggestion. Or brainwashing. You might wake up one morning and find out you're a Scientologist. Or worse...



















Tough Guys and Grills

What is it about big tough guys advertising grill-type products? Why did George Foreman go from pummeling opponents to grilling meat? Perhaps it stems back to Rocky Balboa pummeling all those carcasses in the meat locker. Maybe all tough guys have an "I wanna grill me some meat" gene that kicks in around the time the career starts waning and the bills start piling up. Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why Hulk Hogan went down this very same road as George... But what I can't explain is why on earth Mr T, who played the legendary B.A. Baracus in the A-Team would decide to advertise the strange alien incubator they call "Flavor Wave"...


I hope this easy step-by-step guide helps you in understanding the process:

Step 1 - Put dead chook in incubator

Step 2 - Gather the family and watch the magic as your brains are irradiated and your intelligence circuits disintegrate. Or perhaps that already happened while you were watching the infomercial...

Step 3 - Marvel in awe as the innocuous looking chicken turns from normal raw chook to creepy alien life form that will take over your house while you sleep and beam you all up to the mothership where minions of other irradiated chickens will put you in a large human-sized incubator and watch your vital reactions to Mr T commericals...


My skin literally crawled when I saw this space-age torture chamber in action. The meat goes all gooey, then melts, then cooks freakily from the inside out while dripping, shifting, shrinking and... moving.

I don't know about you but I think I just got hungry...










































It's even creepier in super time-lapse motion. You can see the turkey moving and shifting to assume its new earthling-irradicating form.

Forget "Species", this is the real deal.

According to the infomercial, the oven uses halogen light, apparently to "add that amazing crispyness". I recently bought a halogen heater. Powered with halogen light. Does that mean every time I warm my tootsies, I am crisping up and magically cooking from the inside out? Aaargh!! Why didn't somebody tell me!?!?

















There were also signs that the audience had been compromised, perhaps already assimilated by the Scientologist mind-meld chicken mothership people.

The activity of watching two adults talk, wear aprons and cook dinner made them so fervent and excited you could have mistaken them for the audience in that "you get a car" Oprah episode.

Had I been present watching the creepy chickens and turkeys melting and liquefying, I would have run out of the TV station lot screaming "Fly you fools!! The pod people are coming!! The prophecy is upon us!!" while blasting Iron Maiden's 'Run to the Hills' out of my ipod speakers.

And you want to know the weirdest thing? At one point in the proceedings I even considered buying it...

...and I'm a vegetarian.

It just goes to show just how powerful the power of suggestion can be. It may have been the late hour, the theta brain waves, perhaps it was the brain meld...

For all I know I could now be an irradiated chicken cunningly mingling with society, waiting for my chance to shed my disguise and claim world domination.

*bckuck!*

technorati tags: Mr T Flavor Wave Oven Infomercial alien chicken world domination



Online DVD rental convenience delivered to your door. Watch the latest trailers and get free delivery and free return by post. And no late fees.

Of all the dopey things to turn up in my inbox this morning.









Note to spammers:




1. I don't speak... er - that language.

2. I know when strange banks send me strange messages in strange languages, they're really reaching.

3. Ain't gonna be singur clicken anything, thanks Mr Intelegere. Or should I call you Pentru?

4. And flubbidy flubbity to you to. Don't wanna se va face round here no more.



Special note: Congratulations to the winner of the Macy's competition, drawn using a clever random picker - I have contacted the winner by email. I will announce the winner on my site only if s/he wishes to be identified.

technorati tags: spam scam email bank