Housework can be a pain so I have decided that I need the best possible equipment for each task.  This means that I will not be settling for second best when it comes to hand held vacuum cleaners.

I don't want any ol' fluffy "Tiffany Handy Vac"

I don't want a no-suction, small nozzled, airy fairy piece o' junk.

No, I want the no-messing about, 750 watt super suction bad mother.

The "Piranha"

You don't mess around with a name like Piranha, you know it's going to do the job.

Whatever it takes. 

It is the Clint Eastwood of hand held vacuum cleaners.

"Go Ahead.  Eat My Dust."

(clench teeth)

"Do you feel lucky?  Well do ya?  LINT????!?!?"

technorati tags: clint eastwood, dirty harry, piranha, vacuum, hand held vacuum, handy vac, dust buster, doyou feel lucky punk

At the gym that I regularly frequent, I was presented with a dilemma.  It was a question of etiquette and considering I never went to finishing school OR carried a book on my head, I don't know the answer.  It goes something like this:

I entered the change rooms, ready to get into my running shoes and trackky gear.  This process usually takes me all of about 3 minutes.  The girl at the desk gave me my locker key - number 6.

When I rounded the corner, I was confronted by a woman.  She was completely stark bollock naked with her arms outstretched, and for some reason, her legs outstretched as well, facing the lockers.

Not only that, but she was spread-eagled in front of a particular locker.

Number 6.

My locker.

I knew she had heard me coming in, a slight tilt of her head acknowledged my presence in her vicinity.

So I hung back, not wanting to approach at this stage. 

I have this pedantic thing about not talking to completely naked strangers.

So I thought "well, maybe she just took off her bathing suit.  I suppose she'll dry off, get dressed and THEN I can ask her to move." 

Wrong!

She stayed where she was.  Swaying slightly, not using a towel and still standing like Leonardo's Vitruvian man.

"Oh crap."  I thought.  "Maybe she's air drying?"

She stayed for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably more like 7.

Not moving.

Being  naked. 

Not using a towel.

Swaying.

"Maybe she's like that serial killer guy from Silence of the Lambs.  I'm definitely not talking to her until she is at least covered up in a towel or something.

She still didn't move.

"Maybe the Blair Witch is coming and she's been told to stand facing the wall.  Maybe I'm next!!  Aaargh!!"

This line of thought wasn't helping me.

I had meanwhile changed into my gear, sat down on the bench.  Waiting patiently, trying not to look directly at the rather frightening display in front of me. 

Then, something bizarre happened.  Another woman and a kid came in and started talking to Vitruvian naked scary woman.  And she miraculously grew clothes within a minimal space of time.

I chose my moment.

"Excuse me, could I get into number 6 please?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!"  she said, like it had been her intention all along.  She FINALLY capitulated and moved herself away.
 
As she disappeared (thankfully fully clothed) through the door with the other woman and the kid, I noticed something else. She wasn't even using a locker.  She could have gone anywhere.  It's a big place.

So I conclude with my not-so-subtle-plea/order/requirement/mandatory idea:

DEAR-NAKED-AIR-DRYING-SWAYING-WEIRDO-PEOPLE-HAVE-YOU-EVER-A-HEARD-OF-A-TOWEL!?!?!?!?

technorati tags: naked woman, changeroom, weirdo, gym, decorum, decency, towel, etiquette

I have been scouring the world of stupid t-shirts looking for the most idiotic, disturbing and whacked out t-shirts of them all.  This is no mean feat.  What constitutes a stupid t-shirt?  There is a fine line between humour and overshare, witty and obvious.  And of course, some t-shirts are just out and out wrong.

You be the judge:
(Warning, slightly non-kid friendly themes... and in no particular order)

1.  "It's My Network"

If you need this t-shirt to advertise that you are surrounded by scantily clad women then you probably aren't.  My advice to those considering buying a t-shirt such as this, firstly think "would James Bond wear this?"  If the answer is no, move along...

2.  "Ex Masturbator"

For the love of decency, people!  Why are you guys smiling?  Is this a joke?  Please, please take these t-shirts off... the market.
OVERSHARE MUCH!!!!!




3.  "If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off"

Obviously, this is the back of the t-shirt.  Clearly designed for motorbike riders.

I'm afraid that my sides have split from the witty subtlety of it all.  Can you spell lawsuit?

4.  "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right"

All kinds of creepy.  Please don't wear it around Star Wars fans like me.  The fact that it happened once in the film was disturbing enough.
DUDE-SHE-IS-YOUR-SISTER!!!!  Argh!!

5.  "I Bought This T-Shirt To Cover Up My Muffin Top"
Um...  OVERSHARE!!!!

 6.   "Mormons etc. Are All Wrong!!"

It's a free country I suppose. But just because you can wear this t-shirt doesn't mean you actually should.  P.S. If you must wear it, make sure you avoid churches, mosques and remote temples on top of mountains, supermarkets, pubs, trains, planes and automobiles.

7.  "Stop Looking At My Chest!"

Fine, I will stop looking at your chest, as soon as I stop reading the big writing on your t-shirt that just happens to be located in your chestel region.

8.  "Don't Bother, I'm Not Drunk Yet."
If you read into the subtext of this, it speaks volumes.

9.  Jihad
Do not wear to airports.  Or anywhere with jumpy security.  You might find they haven't got a sense of humour.

10.  Justin Bieber t-shirt






 

technorati tags: justin bieber, bad t shirts, stupid t shirts, wrong t shirts, weird t shirts, offensive t shirts, funny tshirts, rude t shirts, crazy t shirts, novelty t-shirts, t shirt sayings, retro t shirts, offensive shirts, vintage t-shirts