My late night infomercial watching has finally paid off.  I bought the Magic Bullet.

I normally don't watch infomercials unless I want a bit of a laugh.  Well, this Magic Bullet thing made me giggle, but it also made me think, hmmm... maybe I could use one of these things...

So I got it:

Magic Bullet Smoothie Maker

How to use the Smoothie Maker:

Tips to remember -

• Leave 5 or more cm from the top with nothing, not even liquid in it.  
• Make sure the lid is firmly secured
• Blend in quick bursts until desired consistency is reached
• Buy fruit and vegies in bulk, then cut up and freeze in individual Glad bags

For example, I bought an entire pineapple last week (one of those ones that has been cut and cored already).  I cut it up into little wedges (about a couple of cm wide), and froze in batches in individual Glad bags.  Whenever I want a pineapple in my smoothie, I just grab a bag and empty it in the blender.
Another good idea is to buy bunches of grapes, wash them and freeze in small amounts.  You can be creative and do what I did, freeze 5 grapes, a few pieces of pineapple, some papaya and a bit of banana in the same freezer bag.  That way you have a ready-made smoothie whenever you want it.


Ziplock Freezer Bags - your new best friend

LJP's Smoothie Recipes


Green Zinger

Little bunch of spinach
A bunch of pea sprouts, cut into sections
Some small cuts of ginger (
5 small pieces of fresh pineapple
5 red grapes
Coconut water

Blend.

This is a tasty, mild green smoothie.  The ginger and pineapple give it a tropical feel.



Red Papaya Slurpee

Large handful of frozen red papaya (bought fresh, then bagged in Glad ziplock bags)
Coconut water

Blend.

You will find that this recipe creates a smoothie with the exact consistency of a 711 Slurpee, without all the sugar and caffeine.


Pine-Green Smoothie

Little bunch of spinach
Large handful of pineapple
5 small cuts of ginger

Blend.

This one is simple, but tasty and healthy as well.



The following recipes are a guide for making smoothies that taste good and make you feel even better.   Don't use all the ingredients listed, there are far too many.
Instead, choose 2 - 5 ideas from the list (or as many or few as you need!) and mix and match.

Enjoy!


Mix & Match Smoothies

Adrenal Support
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Ginger
Sprouts
Leafy greens (eg. celery, Spinach, lettuce, parsley, coriander)
Almonds and / or pumpkin seeds / cashews / brazil nuts / pecans
Papaya or dark cherries
Banana
Raw cacao powder
Red and orange vegetables
Flax seeds
Coconut water or water
Or... Almond milk
Pinch of Celtic sea salt


Weight Loss
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Celery
Grapefruit
Tomato
Chilli
Asparagus
Spinach
Lettuce
Cherries
Grapes
Pears
Cucumber
Lemongrass
Ginger
Unsalted pistachios or sunflower seeds
Papaya
Coconut water or water
Organic coconut oil


Immunity Boost
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Garlic
Potato (organic)
Banana
Ginger
Brazil nuts
Sunflower seeds
Coconut water or water


Metabolism Boost
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Almonds
Grapefruit
Whey protein
Avocado
Chilli
Coconut water or water

Vitality AntiOx Shake
Blueberries
Dried Cranberries
Prunes
Strawberries
Cherries
Papaya
Brazil nuts / sunflower seeds / Pecans
Raw Cacao
Coconut water or water


Digestive Enzyme Booster
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Avocado
Papya
Yogurt
Fresh pineapple
Peaches
Green or red capsicum
Coconut water or water


Skin Glow Shake
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Cucumber
Celery
Avocado
Tomato / Red Capsicum / Red Chilli
Spinach
Berries
Carrot
Papaya
Apricot
Coconut water or water


Green Machine
(Use 3-5 Ingredients from list)
Kale
Spinach
Broccoli
Celery
Parsley / Coriander
Romaine lettuce
Cucumber
Coconut pieces
Strawberry
Ginger
Apple
Pear
Pineapple
Lemon
Coconut water or water

Image credits CC Public Domain

technorati tags: green smoothie, adrenal fatigue, immunity boost, weight loss, vegan smoothie, raw smoothie, smoothie, fruit smoothie

I received this lovely email from the kind hearted, generous Gina Rinehart.  Looks legit to me.

The only thing that clued me in was this line:  "...which I intend to use for CHARITY".

Gina Rinehart is notoriously tight with money, giving the tiniest percentage to charity compared with other billionaires (such as Bill Gates).  She also has the dubious distinction of withholding money from her own children until they reach the sprightly age of 75.  A great citizen of Australia indeed.

Did you know Gina Rinehart is also a poet?  Her 2012 poem "our future" was not widely acclaimed when it was released.  I can't imagine why.

I will attempt to analyse her poem. In some instances, I will try to interpret the true meaning behind this vast, meaningful work. In other instances I will use pictures. Wish me luck.


Our Future 

The globe is sadly groaning with debt, poverty and strife 
...due to the Global Financial Crisis thanks to Alan Greenspan, George W. Bush, Bernie Madoff and many others who are super rich and super greedy.

And billions now are pleading to enjoy a better life 
I am so glad that Gina has a plan for everyone who wants a better life.  Can't wait to hear it.  Hey wow, strife and life - a rhyme!  This must be a real poem.

Their hope lies with resources buried deep within the earth 
Ah, no.  Digging, exploitation, I knew there was a catch.  Freedom through slavery...  I think I've heard that somewhere before.

  Image credit:  Annabel's House of Books 

And the enterprise and capital which give each project worth 
Sorry, I ranted on so much there that I forgot to stop and appreciate the incredible wordplay of rhyming 'earth' with 'worth'.  This stuff is Gold!! - Pardon the mining pun

Is our future threatened with massive debts run up by political hacks 
Code alert:  She's talking about Labor.  How do I know?  Because I'm PSYCHIC!! 
...and because she is a right-wing redneck loon.
It was Labor who got us through the GFC and saved us from recession.
Then, in 2013/14, the LNP upped the national debt, spent twice as much as the Labor party per day, and even managed to get The Greens to approve this lunacy.  Expect many tears and stern punishments and finger pointing come budget time.  
So, ironically, over a year later, the answer is to Gina's rather prophetic question is "Yes".

Who dig themselves out by unleashing rampant tax 
The mining tax didn't dig anyone out of anything, nor was it rampant.  More like a small speedbump underneath an earth mover.  
I do however appreciate the use of the word dig.  
Incidentally, Gina Rinehart must really hate John Howard and his rampant GST.  

The end result is sending Australian investment, growth and jobs offshore 
Yes, because no billionaire wants to send jobs offshore.  Our billionaires want to exploit workers RIGHT HERE in good ol' Australia...  As long as they don't ask for Australian wages.  Or conditions. 

This type of direction is harmful to our core
Those mining puns again.  Dig, core, what's next?

Some envious unthinking people have been conned 
Code alert:  Envious = Not a billionaire.  
Unthinking? Oh, yes that's right, the people who thought voting LNP in 2013 would be a good idea. Predicting 2013 and 2014 events in 2012.  Gina Rinehart is some kind of Soothsayer!

To think prosperity is created by waving a magic wand 
No actually, it was salvaged by Wayne Swan.  Wow, that almost rhymed!

Now, about that magic wand.  You could try Gina Rinehart's method of prosperity creation:
Step 1.  Be born
Step 2.  Have a Dad who is a prosperous billionaire
Step 3.  Inherit all of billionaire Dad's billionaire assets
Step 4.  Get indignant about all those silly people who think prosperity is created by waving a magic wand


Through such unfortunate ignorance, too much abuse is hurled 
Those educated lefties, they are just so... unfortunate, and ignorant, and abusive.  And... hurly.

Against miners, workers and related industries who strive to build the world
Not so poetic.  Starting to lose the plot a bit here.  Plot? Earth? Did you see what I did there?

Develop North Australia, embrace multiculturalism and welcome short term foreign workers to our shores 
Okay, that's not a line of poetry.  That's some kind of wacky right-wing manifesto.  

Embrace multiculturism? Translation:  import people too scared to complain about conditions and remuneration, then stick them in a miners shed until it's time to rap on the corrugated iron.  But I'm pretty sure nobody has EVER been exploited on a 457 Visa.  They never mentioned it on SkyNews, anyway.

To benefit from the export of our minerals and ores
Read:  For MEEEE to benefit from the export of our minerals and ores

The world's poor need our resources: do not leave them to their fate 
...So we're going to exploit them for $2 a day!  Hey, that almost rhymed too. 

Let's see how contented a miner can be on $2 per 23 hour day.

Yep.  Everything A-OK.  No problem here at all. 


Our nation needs special economic zones and wiser government, before it is too late. 
It was a wise government that got us through the GFC, which was caused by the greed of super-rich people.  We now have Ms Rinehart's version of a "wiser government".  A super greedy, heartless, secretive, economically illiterate, batsh*t crazy, racist, sexist, violent, xenophobic, born-to-rule bunch of despots prone to cronyism and expense rorting.  
Hooray.

A cartoon from The Daily Blog sums up Gina's poem nicely:

Fun facts: Gina Rinehart was nominated for an "Australian Living Treasure 2012" award

Even more fun facts:  She didn't end up winning.




A Haiku by LJP

The ground tilts askew
Soot piles turn gold for Gina
The earth laughs later

technorati tags: Gina Rinehart Poem, Gina Rinehart email, Gina Rinehart spam, Australia, Australian politics, mining, LNP, Mining exploitation

I am a big fan of GoDaddy. It's that time of year again when I receive emails saying "your web hosting is expiring, renew now."

The best way to get through this time of year is to hunt down promo codes.  I managed to get around $30 off my hosting, which made my day.

I generally prefer to use web hosting companies that keep things simple.

The control panel for GoDaddy is easy to use, and everything is clearly laid out in a logical manner.  My only small gripe would be the username and password section.  For some reason my web browser has decided it doesn't need to remember my username and password for GoDaddy so I have to look it up every time I want to log in.  That aside, I love the convenience of pressing a button to renew my hosting packages all at the same time.

I have a couple of sites hosted with GoDaddy and they have kept me pretty happy for the last 3 years or so.  I possibly would consider another hosting company if the conditions were right, but there would have to be a compelling reason to switch over from my current hosting.

p.s. if you want to get 35% off your order here's a special promo code for new orders in 2014: WOW2014cod

technorati tags: godaddy, web hosting, hosting, coupon code 2014, godaddy coupon, godaddy promo

It is seriously time for me to get a haircut.

It's true, there are YouTube videos on how to get my exact hairstyle that I wake up with in the morning, which makes me laugh.  But I am what I am.  A tangled, messy, messy longhaired messy haired person.

When it is time for me to finally be bothered to visit the hairdresser's, it is usually because of oh-so-subtle messages from the universe.

Like this afternoon, when I shut my hair in the car door and leaned forward to grab a CD from the CD player...

Orrrr.. the oh so subtle moment when I went to flick my hair over my jacket (Zara of course, Dahlinks!) and my fingers got caught in my hair and then I nearly scalped myself.

Or the other night, while peacefully slumbering (well, I was snoring like a herd of banshees so I assume I was peaceful.  I can't attest to anyone else's experience)...  Anyway, I was slumbering (which as a word kind of sounds like some kind of hippo, or is that just me?)...

ANYWAY...

I turned over to tuck my arm underneath my pillow and behind my head, as I always do.  Unfortunately I had grabbed a huge fistful of hair and somehow the turning motion allowed the hair to twist around my neck like a noose that got tighter as I moved my head.

I woke up pretty quickly after that one.

Sooo, it's time for me to get a haircut.  Whee.  I can hardly wait.  I'm pretty much a little kid when it comes to haircuts.  I can't be bothered.  Yes, they wash your hair for like, 2 hours and give you some weird spiritual head massage.  That part is ok, if not time consuming.  But who actually washes their hair for that long?  Nobody!  Unless they have 24 hour hot water and a very patient family.

When, and if, and that is a big if, I wash my hair it usually goes like this:

Wet hair.

Try to squeeze the prescribed 10c piece size amount into the palm of my hand.

End up squeezing enough to fit on one of those huge stone monolith coins that those ancient dudes used to roll around.

Wash the rest of the shampoo down the drain, leaving a small, 50 dollar note sized splat.

Attempt to wash hair with a quasi "squishing" motion.  Realise that I am not a hairdresser, and that the squishing is doing very little.  Rinse hair in frustration.

Condition hair.  Do you condition the ends or the top as well?  I never know.  I end up doing the ends and then saying "stuff it" and putting the rest on the top of my head.  Rinse.

Wait 1 day for hair to look normal again.  Wonder why I bothered.  Ponder life's questions that deserve far more time than hair maintenance.


But I digress.  Again.  So, once the hairdresser has washed, conditioned, detangled and super smoothed your hair, then they spend the first hour intricately cutting individual hairs from... somewhere.  I'm not sure where.  All I know is when I get up from the chair it looks like the Abominable Snowman has come in for a full body shave.

So, 3 hours or so later, my hair is trimmed about 2 inches.  I really don't understand why it takes such a long time, or where all that hair comes from.


I will relent, of course, and get my hair cut.  I have 3 requests that I tell the hairdresser every time.

1.  Just a trim
2.  Bit of layering, not too much
3.  No fringe

For my US readers, a fringe is a bang.  And a bang is a fringe.  And that girl in the "Fringe" TV show has bangs.  Glad to have cleared that up.

Every time I go to the hairdresser, they suggest something wacky.

How about a fringe?
No, I tried that once when I was 12.  As a kid I knew fringes looked stupid, at least on me.  End of story.

How about some highlights?
No, it takes another 6 hours and comes out looking no different to when I started.  Except somehow $275 is missing somewhere...

How about a short, asymmetrical bob cut?
No, I am a longhair breed.

Also, has anyone else noticed that hairdressers display a variety of posters and magazines showcasing asymmetrical bob cuts, but nobody in the real world actually has one, at least for any extended period of time?

Ha, I think I have cracked one of the great mysteries of the universe.

"There is no asymmetrical bob cut."

Think about it.


So while I'm on this seemingly focused rant, let me expand to stuff I hate:

1.  Fringes and bangs  (I'm sorry if you have one, I just don't like them.  I can't change that.  It's something in my DNA or something)

2.  "Anti-Feminists"  Yes, I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry.
YOU-CAN'T-BE-A-WOMAN-AND-BE-AN-ANTI-FEMINIST-YOU-MORONS-UNLESS-YOU-HATE-YOURSELF-IT-DOESN'T-MEAN-YOU-HATE-MEN

Unless of course, you are an idiot who likes being exploited and oppressed and doesn't want to seem too threatening to men who don't like feminists.  Tell you the truth, I don't really want to appeal to a man who doesn't like feminists, them health care-giving socialists and them gun-stealing, cow spooking scientists.

But you go ahead Katy Perry, AIM HIGH.


Let's just get a definition for those of you who don't know what a feminist is:

"Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women." (Wikipedia / Merriam-Webster Dictionary 2011)


Oooo.  Threatening.

3.  Anti-Feminists with bangs OR meat suits
Self explanatory


4.  The creepy Marc Jacobs 'Oh Lola' (Lolita) ad.  Oh lovely.  Let's celebrate creepy dudes who prey on pre-pubescent girls. Yay, us.  Yay 2013.

5.  That bottle of cognac that costs $1million dollars.  NOTHING is worth that.  You drink it, it's gone.  This isn't for drinking, people, this is for some serious poncing.  If you really want to impress somebody that much, you probably suck anyway so don't worry about it.  Buy yourself a nice house or something, or give it away to a person who is awesome.

5.  Tony Abbott
No photograph as I don't want to give anyone nightmares.


Apart from that, I love everyone and everything in the entire world.  Peace and mungbeans.

technorati tags: messy hair, grunge hair, haircut, hole, courtney love, katy perry, lady gaga, fringe, bangs, expensive cognac

Avast ye landlubbers, get below deck or I'll keelhaul ye!

Arrrrrrrrrr!!!

Avast ye!!

Landlubbers!!

Keel.. haul...

Ok, that's about the extent of my pirate vocabulary.  For some reason my pirate impression is a little off.

However, for some unknown reason, if I try to imitate a Scottish accent, it turns out pirate.  Although sometimes I sound like a Scottish pirate with a slight Jamaican accent.  I'm pretty sure that combination isn't a common one, but it's the only one I can do!!

So...

In honour of "International Talk Like A Pirate Day":

The Pirate Ergonomic Keyboard

The pirate vocabulary is large and versatile.  Diverse, eloquent, meaningful.  Here is a short rundown:


LJP's Pirate/English Dictionary 

Arrrr:  Greetings, fellow pirate.

Ar:  Where is my parrot?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:  I am lonely at sea.

 Arr...?  I find you very attractive.

Arraraarar:  I am mad at you but I can't decide whether to keelhaul you or walk the plank.  This is a tough decision that I do not take lightly.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:   Stand by to board incoming vessel.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrragaaaaa:  Scuttle the ship me hearties!

AAAARHARHAHRHAHRHHAHHHAGGGGGGGGHHHHHAAWAWAWAAAAAAA:  Tony Abbott.

Pirate Memo Clip Note Holder


Hear ye, avast ye, and forget ye not, here is the best way for modern pirates to communicate with other pirates.  Plan raids, count your plunder and compare eye patches with this modern method of communication:  Sticky Paper!!  Arrrr.

Pirate Fancy Dress Costume

Remember, less is more.  Or is it more is more?  Maybe more parrots is more.  Less eyeliner perhaps, we've overdone the Captain Jack Sparrow thing.

It's well known that pirates didn't wear eyeliner, they wore blusher made from the blood of their conquests.  Or something...

Just remember, beardy, patchy and cutlassy and blunderbuss-y.

Also remember there is a veeeery fine line between seaworthy cred pirate dude and Adam Ant in the Higwayman film clip.  It's a fine line and I suppose it really depends what sort of party you're going to...  It's up to you...

Pirate Drinks Cooler

This is a contentious one because ice was in short supply on the high seas unless of course you managed to hit an iceberg.  And drinks that required cooling of any kind were a little impractical since the lower decks contained chained men, sheep's dung, one mouldy orange, a barrell of rotgut and a door that you never, I repeat, never opened.

I'm pretty sure pirates drank some kind of 175% proof Black Skull Label Rum that makes your eyes water and gives you the ability to see the past and future simultaneously while completely skipping the present.  It also assists you in understanding what your parrot is really saying to you.



And finally...

Pirate iPhone Case

Because pirates like, had so many like iPhones...  'cause GPS and stuff.  Like how would they have gotten around?  GPS app like I don't know, it was a really old one, like from the 80s?   Yeah, 'cause if they didn't have computers how did they steal series 5 of Breaking Bad?  Duh.. ... I swear... so dumb...

technorati tags: pirate, pirate iphone, international talk like a pirate day, pirate keyboard, pirate drinks cooler, pirate costume, Adam Ant, Tony Abbott, pirate iphone, talk like a pirate, arrr

You may have been watching the news recently and noticed with interest (hee hee!) that interest rates have dropped to an almost unheard of 2.5%, dropping 25 basis points.  This means that the interest rates of today, in 2013, are actually the lowest recorded interest rates since 1959.

So, what does that have to do with me, you might ask.  Well, there's this thing called the "Australian Dream", the dream of owning one's own home.  The advantages are numerous, including the ability to renovate at will, not having to keep shifting stuff from one place to another, and best of all, no inspections!!

But I digress.

What I actually mean is that this might just be a good time to get your first home loan and lock in a low interest rate with a building society with low interest rates like Newcastle Permanent.  Customer service reviews show that they actually answer the phone when you call so you don't have to speak to a robot every time you call up.  I appreciate that kind of attention to detail, it makes all the difference when you really want to get some information quickly.

At this point in time, you can get a fixed rate mortgage for your first home with a set period for the fixed rate of between 1 and 10 years.  Or you can go for the variable option, depending on your requirements, it's a very personal thing so it's really up to you which way you go.

For first home buyers, you need around 5-10% deposit of the total purchase price, which is a sensible amount, and first home buyers may also be eligible for the first home buyers grant scheme.  This grant provides a boost for anyone wishing to purchase their first home.

The site has a bunch of useful tools including a loan calculator and graph facility, to let you know what your rate and repayments would be over a chosen time period.  You can choose from 10-50 year terms, although a lot of people tend to fall somewhere in the middle of these numbers, for example 25 years or so.  It all depends on how quickly you want to pay off your home and how you can arrange your budget to do so.

For example, I tried out a hypothetical loan, $320,000 (which is a reasonable amount for a humble blogger such as myself), 10 year fixed rate home loan and a payment period of 25 years.  The results are below:

I think I could manage that quite nicely. And I suppose if I can do it, there's a high likelihood that you probably can too.

It's quite fun playing around with the options on the calculator. I estimated repayments on a 2,000,000 loan over 50 years, and then over 10 years. That's just how I roll.

You could try it yourself with figures that apply to your situation and see what the results are.

All in all, judging by the current interest rate situation, it is pretty clear that at this very moment in time, harking back to other golden era's in interest rates, now is probably one of the best time to set up your first home loan. After all, you only get two 1959s in a lifetime!

The theme today is "SPACE!"  What kind of space, you say?  Surface space?  Room space?  Yard space?

No, I'm talking about space itself.  You know, the great unknown, the heavens, universes, mutiverses, string theory, brane (M-Theory), quantum physics and did you know that we're not really here but exist in many dimensions at once and we're all made of material that fits on something smaller than the head of a matchstick.

...sorry, got a bit carried away there.  Back to the pretty stuff:

When I was a kid, I created a "Starlight Zone" display on my ceiling, replicating the solar system in orbit.


Can we possibly improve on this?  Um,... yes.


Japan Trend Shop and friends have come up with the R2D2 star projector.  Over 60,000 stars, X-Wings, Tie Fighters, Star Wars characters and hours of fun.  And it runs on AA batteries, just like the real R2D2 (?!?!?) tee hee!!

R2D2 Planetarium Projector

The lovely people at Vintage Confections / The Original Planet Lollipops have out-nerded the lolly gods and created a brilliant set of solar system lollipops.

The Original Planet LollipopsTM Solar System

And just when you thought the awesomeness had finished...


Some folks believe the earth is flat.  Still.  Well, they don't believe in climate change, anyway.  Some believe dinosaurs didn't exist, despite fossils and stuff.

Despite human stupidity, science has provided us with a few tips.  The earth isn't the centre of the universe, orbits are ellipses, not perfect circles, and a big-assed meteorite probably wiped out the dinosaurs.  Don't believe me?  Here's proof that stuff from outer space ends up hitting the earth at some point or other...

Meteorite

Apparently, some meteorites being sold online are not genuine meteorites.  I know, shocking, right?  So how do you check if your meteorite is the real deal?

According the the knowledgeable people at Aerolite, these are the things to look out for:

1 - If it sticks to a magnet, it could very well be a meteorite.  It's not a guarantee but it helps!
2 - If it has holes in it (or 'vesicles') or is porous/grainy it's probably not a meteorite.
3 - If is H-E-A-V-Y, much heavier than normal rocks of a similar size, it probably is a meteorite.

Otherwise, you might just have a normal rock that's been spray painted silver or a piece of hematite.  Which, although pretty, kind of defeats the purpose of having an extra-terrestrial rock in the first place!



What space stuff would be complete without the answer to one of the most important questions in the universe... "Are we alone?"

Yeah right, we live on a planet the size of a speck of specky specky stuff in a big specky ball of universe-y stuff and we think we're the only ones?

It's funny how the skeptics tend to lean towards us being alone in the universe/multiverse/multi-multi-megaverses when the law of averages says its more likely we're not alone.

Oooh, spooky.  No, not really, just logic.

Anyway, the truth is out there in the form of.... Alien soap!!!

The folks at Bubblegenius have come up with a rather amusing gift basket in the form of... Alien abduction!!!

Alien Abduction Soap Gift Basket

Please note that no cows were harmed in the making of this gift basket.  Literally.  It's vegan.  And they glow in the dark!  The cow doesn't glow because it hasn't been irradiated by the aliens yet.

I can't say that it's going to be a particularly vegan experience for the real alien abduction cows though... Did I just say that?  Uh oh...

Nothing to see here...

Thingy Whatsitcalled

***Zap!!!***

What was I talking about?

Dang...

technorati tags: astronomy, space, aliens, alien abduction, gifts, novelty soap, meteorite, how to spot a meteorite, galaxy, space theme

Foodporn is something I was not aware of up until recently.  (Hello, Pinterest!)

Every time I have studied pictures and recipes of "Thai Curry" or "Shiitake Stir Fry" I have been watching foodporn.  Who knew?  I love food, and apparently foodporn as well.  I suppose there are worse vices than collecting images of the perfect pasta bake.

So what does that have to do with Australia and bullsh!t detectors?

A while ago, but not too long ago, there was this thing called a "restaurant".  When you got hungry, you turned up at a "restaurant" and because you were in Melbourne, the erstwhile capital of good food, pretty much everything was nice quality, cheap and didn't give you food poisoning.

You could even go to a restaurant and be handed a menu instead of getting it Ninja thrown at the side of your face and one could have a smoke after the meal without freezing one's proverbial off.

But then something happened...  Something that needs to be addressed, stopped and reversed immediately on pain of death.  

A Fish and Chip shop became a "Fish and Chippery", which gave the owner licence to turn a massive $2 butcher's paper roll of gargantuan chips into a dinky twerpy little folded box with 12 chips in it.  For $5.

They started calling places "Boumerange" instead of restaurant so they could charge $9.50 for a scone.
...and I don't even like scones.

Just the other day at a nice looking establishment I ordered a muffin that was doughy and uncooked, and pretty much inedible, but for some reason I was supposed to bask in the rare privilege of being seen in the luminous presence of a hideously overpriced dogbox, and it would have made no difference had I complained because they were all out the back watching Masterchef on their iPads.

So somewhere along the way it stopped being about making food that customers actually liked, and became about the "Head Chef" (formerly known as a "Chef") trying to work out his signature dish so he can get a Michelin star one day in the near distant never never never ever.

And now restaurants have gone from cosy, welcoming eateries to some kind of futuristic veterinarian's operating table so you have to strain trying to see the menu properly with the sun gleaming off 10 metres of burnished steel that is powerful enough to signal the "Spirit of Tasmania" on its return journey.

On top of this, you have the indignity of having to dress up like a sulfur crested cockatoo in mating season to get the waiters to notice you signalling them, and by that stage you have given up and gone to Bakers Delight.

The irony of being treated like crap by someone who is being exploited for $8 and hour cash-in-hand under the table, just so they can say they work at "Wankella By The Bay" and presumably impress someone who gives a rat's arse is beyond any kind of logic.

So what happened?  We became try hards.  That's right.  Ponces.  Twerps.  Snobs, dorks, pretentious bogans.  There's probably no going back now, at least for those already compromised.

Perhaps it was the introduction of Foxtel to Australia.  Foxtel brought us American game shows, talk shows, cooking programs, reality shows, fear (I mean "current affair") shows and "Fair and Balanced" (aka. "propaganda") news reporting.

Can it be all traced back to Rupert Murdoch, who, through the medium of TV, newspapers and more TV, is attempting to turn us into American talk show audience members from "Donahue".  Possibly?

I'm not quite sure of the exact connection but I'm sure it's there somewhere.

The United States on the other hand, has developed shows like "Mad TV" and "Reno 911", demonstrating not only a rudimentary understanding of irony, but a full mastery, worthy of Blackadder's finest hours.

Australia is fast losing its sense of irony, sarcasm, wit and ridicule in favour of ignorance, apathy and cashed-up-bogan-ness.

The world is upside down, it seems.

Oh and just to add insult to injury:

McDonalds and Dominoes have "head chefs" apparently (yes, his name is Joshua and he has a rather virulent strain of acne), and these "restaurants" now have "SIGNATURE DISHES".  I had to write that in capitals just so you could read the start of the sentence again and try and put it with the end of the sentence without banging your head on the nearest table.

So... to clear up a few points...

No, I'm not into the "Slow Food" movement, I actually just need to cook this for a long time because that's how the recipe goes.

I do not want "Smashed Potatoes" ferfuggssake!!  It's a potato that has been squashed.  If you tell me it tastes any different I will test out the theory that plates of smashed potatoes hurt more than plates of mashed potatoes when thrown at someone's face.

I like sun dried tomatoes.  I think the distinction "semi-dried tomatoes" is taking it a bit too far.  They look the same as the sun dried ones but cost $2 more a kilo.

I don't really want any quinoa.  Or kwweeenwaaaaahhhhh!!  Or however the crap you say it.  I don't even like porridge and I will probably like it less with the introduction of a grain that tastes weird and soapy unless you soak in under a banana leaf for 14 hours and wash it with baboon tears until clean.

A barista is another word for "wanker".  I don't care how many times you get the "perfect drip", you are one.

Let me reiterate:

You-make-coffee-in-a-coffee-shop.

And finally, I will most definitely be skipping the "Marinated Feta With Bush Dust".  I mean seriously, I love feta.  But bush dust?  It conjures up images of bulls, dust and the inevitable movements of bulls after eating too much grass.  Perhaps the bull made the mistake of eating "Grass Jus With Strawberry Cow Pat Couli", I suppose that would explain the urgency.

I will leave you with a memory of what Australia once was, and perhaps a brief glimmer of what it could become, if we just put down the truffle mandolin and start again:

technorati tags: foodporn, bullshit meter, masterchef, foxtel, murdoch, fast forward, sbs lady, restaurant, truffle mandolin, phat phuc noodle bar

I have possibly broken YouTube with my constant hitting on the "repeat" button.

QOTSA.

My God Is The Sun.

For the first time EVER I have pre-ordered an album.

Get it here:


Listen and Enjoy:

technorati tags: qotsa, queens of the stone age, like clockwork, my god is the sun, josh homme, dave grohl, keep your eyes peeled, smooth sailing

I'm not going to go into a big dissertation about what Kurt Cobain meant to various people.  Just going to listen to this recording.

It's Kurt Cobain's isolated vocals from "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  It starts about 30 seconds in.

technorati tags: kurt cobain, kurt cobain anniversary, kurt cobain isolated vocals, kurt krist dave, nirvana, nirvana songs, 8th April 1994

Well, they have elected a new Pope.  I'm not Catholic myself (thank God!) - hahahha irony alert!!!

As much as I don't care for the machinations of organized religion, I had an idea on who the new pontiff could be.

If anyone has seen "An Idiot Abroad" you will know who I am talking about.  If not, you may be a little perplexed.

I thought it would be a great idea if Ricky Gervais, as part of his usual "trick Karl Pilkington into doing something he really doesn't want to do... for a laugh", somehow got Karl to become Pope for a day, or perhaps a little longer.

I have put together a picture of what this might look like...

Not sure if the Vatican allows mobile phones but I think Karl might be needing one at this point!


Feel free to share, we may be able to get something going here...

technorati tags: new pope, karl pilkington, karl pilkington for pope, pope karl, vatican, 2013

Last night I decided to light a candle on the balcony since the mosquitoes have been out in force these past few nights.  I tried to get a plain yellow citronella candle but all I could find was this "hovex colour change citronella candle"

I lit the candle and watched in wonder as it changed in colour from blue, to red, to green, to yellow... and so on.

I looked under the candle case, trying in vain to work out how on earth this thing manages to change colour without letting me know the secret.

This entire process made me think of how as a kid I tried to figure out how holograms work.  And then it made me think of 80s goodies, and how I used to have an E.T. hologram.

My partner chuckled about this and said, "An E.T. hologram?  That just might be the most 80s thing you can possibly own."

That seemed like a challenge:  How 80s can you get?

I closed my eyes, detecting the faint whiff of leaded petrol, cabanossi, Passiona, green slime chemical residue that you can never get off your hands, super hold extra chlorofluorocarbon hairspray and Impulse "Mysterious Musk"...

and thought... Could I possibly create: The Ultimate 80s Room?

1.  Neon Telephone
It's 80s, it's spooky, it's nuts.  And if you don't like it you can stomp on it like Axl Rose in that Guns N' Roses film clip.


2.  E.T. Doll
E.T. represents every kid's desire to contact life forms from outer space, and possibly leave the earth of the 1980s until grunge happens.  
Actually, I think Drew Barrymore kind of did that.


3.  Galaga/Ms PacMan Table game
A dream come true, galaga is awesome, and even though Ms PacMan is slightly sexist, it's an ok game. Apparently all women wear red lipstick, run in heels and have a bow in their hair.   


4.  Starlight Zone Stickers
It's not enough to know there are stars (and planets) up there.  You have to see them when the lights are off.  It's almost like the roof has disappeared and you can see out into space...  almost.


5.  Neon bar sign
Who doesn't want a neon bar sign?  And you can practice flipping cocktail shakers just like Tom Cruise! That is, the Tom Cruise who hadn't yet become a couch jumping, insane Scientology nutbag.


6.  Bamboo chairs
Nothing says "home" like bamboo.  In fact, bamboo is like a lot of things from the 80s.  Big, cheap and it gets completely out of control if left to its own devices.


7.  Gremlins Toy
Mogwai and Stripe.  Did you know, Gremlins is actually a pretty deep film if you watch it carefully.  I'm not joking, there are some pretty profound statements about society hidden in there.  Don't believe me?  Watch it.  ON VHS!!!


8.  Hot pink rug
The colours to focus on:  salmon, coral, hot pink, salmon, coral and salmon.  Rule of thumb, if it's good enough for Don Johnson, it's good enough for your 80s room.


9.  Lightning globe
I can create lightning at will!  
I am invincible!  
I can touch lightning and not get burned!  
I am THOR!


10.  Boom box
Yes, a real one.  You can't cheat and use your ipod boom box docking station.  These boom boxes have to be used properly - and that means playing tapes on them.  The highest level of technological advancement allowed is "auto reverse".




"USB?  Where we're going, we don't need USB, ipods, bluetooth, wireless, dongles, social media, apps or anything else like that.  In fact, I don't even know what those things are because they haven't been invented yet."

There are a couple of rules of thumb for designing the ultimate 80s room.

If it looks like a technicolour neon peacock threw up on it... twice... you are probably on the right track.

I encourage you to try your own Ultimate 80s room at home, but first make sure you have taken safety precautions.  Play Eurythmics, not Duran Duran.  Choose a neon phone but not neon socks.  And most importantly, don't feed anything in your room after midnight.

technorati tags: 80s, retro, 1980s, 80s theme, 80s decorating, et, neon phone, lightning globe, boom box, ghetto blaster, salmon pink, Don Johnson, neon cocktail sign, Tom Cruise, galaga, ms pac man, table arcade, starlight zone, gremlins, mogwai, bamboo, rattan, wicker

Here are some travel-themed decorating ideas to get you thinking about travel, escape, holidays and freedom.

Atlas Cushion Covers

When I was little, I always loved atlases. I used to decide on places to visit, and sometimes I just closed my eyes and pointed at a random city or country to see what came up.  Hours of fun!

Pirate Tea Towel

This beautiful tea towel will remind you of a pirate's beard.  

Cold, wet and kinda scratchy...      and possibly containing treasure...

Time Travel Is Yesterday's News

For the "other" type of traveller.

"You Are Here" Doormat With Google Pin

Just in case you didn't know, this will make it perfectly clear where you are.  It's easy to get confused in this time and place, and sometimes you just don't know where you are without the help of Google, and a slight dose of sarcasm.

technorati tags: you are here, google pin, travel, pirate treasure, tea towel, doormat, atlas cushion covers, atlas, globe, time travel is yesterdays news