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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mr T and The Flavor Wave Alien Incubator

During my nocturnal weekend adventures I fell victim to the late night monster. No, I'm not talking about Freddy Krueger, I'm talking about...


The infomercial monster is a strange entity. It only comes out at night. It gets you when you're in or around the theta state, when your brain waves are susceptible to suggestion. Or brainwashing. You might wake up one morning and find out you're a Scientologist. Or worse...

Tough Guys and Grills

What is it about big tough guys advertising grill-type products? Why did George Foreman go from pummeling opponents to grilling meat? Perhaps it stems back to Rocky Balboa pummeling all those carcasses in the meat locker. Maybe all tough guys have an "I wanna grill me some meat" gene that kicks in around the time the career starts waning and the bills start piling up. Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why Hulk Hogan went down this very same road as George... But what I can't explain is why on earth Mr T, who played the legendary B.A. Baracus in the A-Team would decide to advertise the strange alien incubator they call "Flavor Wave"...

I hope this easy step-by-step guide helps you in understanding the process:

Step 1 - Put dead chook in incubator

Step 2 - Gather the family and watch the magic as your brains are irradiated and your intelligence circuits disintegrate. Or perhaps that already happened while you were watching the infomercial...

Step 3 - Marvel in awe as the innocuous looking chicken turns from normal raw chook to creepy alien life form that will take over your house while you sleep and beam you all up to the mothership where minions of other irradiated chickens will put you in a large human-sized incubator and watch your vital reactions to Mr T commericals...

My skin literally crawled when I saw this space-age torture chamber in action. The meat goes all gooey, then melts, then cooks freakily from the inside out while dripping, shifting, shrinking and... moving.

I don't know about you but I think I just got hungry...

It's even creepier in super time-lapse motion. You can see the turkey moving and shifting to assume its new earthling-irradicating form.

Forget "Species", this is the real deal.

According to the infomercial, the oven uses halogen light, apparently to "add that amazing crispyness". I recently bought a halogen heater. Powered with halogen light. Does that mean every time I warm my tootsies, I am crisping up and magically cooking from the inside out? Aaargh!! Why didn't somebody tell me!?!?

There were also signs that the audience had been compromised, perhaps already assimilated by the Scientologist mind-meld chicken mothership people.

The activity of watching two adults talk, wear aprons and cook dinner made them so fervent and excited you could have mistaken them for the audience in that "you get a car" Oprah episode.

Had I been present watching the creepy chickens and turkeys melting and liquefying, I would have run out of the TV station lot screaming "Fly you fools!! The pod people are coming!! The prophecy is upon us!!" while blasting Iron Maiden's 'Run to the Hills' out of my ipod speakers.

And you want to know the weirdest thing? At one point in the proceedings I even considered buying it...

...and I'm a vegetarian.

It just goes to show just how powerful the power of suggestion can be. It may have been the late hour, the theta brain waves, perhaps it was the brain meld...

For all I know I could now be an irradiated chicken cunningly mingling with society, waiting for my chance to shed my disguise and claim world domination.


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1 comment:

  1. Man oh man, I've been missing out by going to bed early!


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